Adult Situations

Coming up with a fresh batch of comedy every week can be a tough job. The writers here at Something Awful occasionally struggle to come up with topics for our articles. I have to assume that is why Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz tried to muscle in on my "I want a woman but I don't want to have to get up" territory yesterday. I thought about stealing one of his trademarks for my article, but I couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say about lawn gnomes. That's when an article caught my eye.

Women can't resist a man in uniform.

Forced to strip for speeding fine

A FORMER police officer pleaded guilty to charges that he forced four women to strip after he pulled them over for traffic violations in New York.

Prosecutors said Frank Wright, 36, forced one woman to walk home wearing only her underwear. He pleaded guilty to civil rights violations carrying up to five years and three months in prison.

This guy gets more poontang than you can possibly imagine.

Yes, you read that right. One of New York's finest is now without a job and possibly facing over five years behind bars because he made women strip after he pulled them over for speeding. If you're like me, or if you're not like me yet but are interested in learning how to become more like me, you are morally outraged by this shocking case. I ask you, when did our country lose its way? When did we go so off course that a police officer can go to prison - prison - for making women take off their clothes for traffic violations? Call me old fashioned, but I think something is seriously wrong here. All this politically correct claptrap has become so ingrained in our culture that we don't even bat an eyelash when an executive gets slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit for grabbing the butt of an attractive female secretary. These days America is all about maintaining professional distance, respecting one another's personal space, and expressing interest in other people's ethnicity, religion, and gender - even if it's different from yours! That's not the America I think of when I see Old Glory waving in the summer breeze. That's not the America I think of when I hear our national anthem being belted out by some flavor-of-the-week foreigner at the start of a baseball game. That's not the America I think of when I write it seventy-five times in goat's blood over my America shrine. That's not the America I fell in love with.

No, my America stands for something greater than the unwritten PC policy of ignoring the glaring defects of others, even when they're painfully obvious or hilarious. I'm talking about the ability of a policeman to expect sexual favors from the two buxom blondes he pulled over on the highway. I'm talking about the God-given right that a person has to laugh at midget wrestling. In short, I'm talking about freedom. But I guess those days are gone, and liberty-loving dinosaurs like me have to adjust to this timid new world. I know that there are a whole mess of guys out there who have trouble knowing just what is and what is not acceptable these days. It's hard to rationalize how we can live in a nation where bombing the crap out of another country is okay, but staring at your waitress's breasts at the Olive Garden is somehow frowned upon. A lot of men are confused by our nation's ambiguous morality. This incident with Frank Wright is proof that the source of that confusion is none other than the oldest and most trusted institution in all of mass media - porn.

Yes, porn is a bustling and awkwardly diagramed business

There was a time when porn reflected society as it truly was. Nurses helped hospitalized patients recuperate by having repeated sex with them, lonely housewives had daily affairs with repairmen, and women named Debbie slept with the entire city of Dallas, Texas. Nowadays nurses know that they can contract diseases from sexual contact with patients, repairmen have to depend on hookers for pleasure, and the city of Dallas is cold and forbidding. Society has changed, but porn has not. Every day, dozens of new pornographic films are made that tell the same well-loved and time-honored tales they told in decades past. It's easy to see how a person could become confused. After all, the people in the pornos look perfectly happy, don't they? Seeing those smiling faces enacting the same stories day after day, it's hardly surprising that the line between what happens on the screen and what is acceptable in real life blurs for a large number of men. That's clearly what happened in the case of Frank Wright. He saw film after film in which a cop pulls a woman over for speeding and she tries to weasel her way out of the ticket by performing sexual favors. The men in those movies are good cops. They know the law. They uphold the law. They stop people from traveling at potentially unsafe speeds. In return, women have all sorts of crazy sex with them. Frank did nothing more than what he saw his idols in those pornos do. When the women failed to perform their part by giving ample and tender attention to his crotch, is it really any wonder that he forced them to strip? Can any of you honestly say you wouldn't have done the same thing if you were in Frank's position? I didn't think so.

Having spent a number of years working in a primarily adult video store, I can't help but feel partially responsible for contributing to this confusion. Countless customers left my store, their arms loaded with smut, went home and retreated deeper and deeper into the fantasy world on their television screens. There's no way of knowing how close any of those individuals are to losing a firm grasp of that fine line between porn and reality. That's why I've taken it upon myself to create a guide for men to some of the most common situations where today's porn can be misleading. Hopefully, by remembering the points outlined herein, more men can avoid Frank Wright's fate.

You notice how he's focused on his work and how he's not having any sex?

The Situation: You're a cable repairman, plumber, electrician, or are otherwise occupationally obligated to pay visits to the houses and apartments of others. You arrive at a home in the course of your duties and find that the only person there is an attractive woman. It is possible that she may be in a negligee or have just gotten out of the shower.

In Porn: You would start to take care of your official business. The woman would hover around you at all times, making innuendo-laden small talk. Eventually, she would use some sort of metaphor related to your profession to imply that she is of the mind to have sexual intercourse, most likely with you. For instance, if you were there to fix her television, she might say, "How'd you like to check my antenna?" Alternately, if you were there to service a broken sink, she might say, "How'd you like to clean my pipes?" Or, if you were there to arrest her for running a meth lab, she might say, "How'd you like to waive my right to remain silent?" Sexual intercourse would ensue, punctuated with oral intercourse and possibly anal intercourse. You would leave hours later without accepting monetary compensation for your work and without keeping any other customers waiting.

In Reality: You should stay focused on your business. The woman will most likely direct you to where you need to be, then go back to whatever she was doing before you arrived. Do not bother her unless it's absolutely necessary, such as if you need her signature on a form. When the times comes to ask for payment, avoid saying the word "payment" suggestively and raising your eyebrows repeatedly. Do not have sex with her under any circumstances, unless you are positive she wants to do so. Even then, you should ask, "Do you want to have sex with me" and she should say "Yes." Otherwise, sex is basically out of the question. Just keep telling yourself that you don't have time for sex. You have six more stops to make before lunch.

It's not yours, so don't spooge in it.

The Situation: You are a limo driver. You have been called to pick up a group of girls from a club who want you to drive them around town for a few hours while they get drunk. Eventually they decide that they are bored of the city and want to see some countryside.

In Porn: Once you drove far enough from any signs of civilization, the girls would tell you to stop the car. You would do so, then get out and walk around to the back to see what was the matter. The girls would invite you into the back with them. They would tell you that they love men in uniform and one of them might take your hat. They would offer you a drink, possibly champagne. You would refuse at first, saying you have to drive, but eventually you would give in. Then they would all have sex with you and each other.

In Reality: They are paying by the hour, so you should take them wherever they want to go. However, you should keep a careful eye on them to make sure that no one gets sick or injured. If one of them vomits, the others will be disgusted and want to get away from the smell. Remember, you are responsible for the limousine and its passengers, and if either are damaged it will tarnish the reputation of your company. If the girls invite you to join them in the back, you are allowed to go. However, you should not drink anything whatsoever, and you should get expressed written consent from all of them before engaging in any sexual activity. You should not expect your company to support you if any of the girls presses a rape charge the next day. In their giddy drunkenness, the girls may very well make out with one another. In that case, it is acceptable to watch and later masturbate while thinking about it. It is not acceptable to join in or to masturbate while still in the limousine.

Look at what you're wearing. You're not going to get any. Now get back in the suitcase.

The Situation: You are a bellboy in a fancy hotel. You are asked to bring a cart carrying two four course dinners, as well as a bottle of champagne and two glasses up to the suite on the top floor. You are positive that the occupant of that suite is a beautiful woman and that she is staying alone.

In Porn: When you got to the room, the woman would invite you inside. She would tell you that she is terribly lonely, then ask you to have dinner with her. The two of you would eat, then enjoy some champagne. She would seduce you and finally sweep everything off the table. You would have sex with her on the table, then on the couch, and finally on the bed. Then you would put your uniform back on and return the cart to the kitchen as if nothing had happened.

In Reality: You should not expect that the food is for you. She is most likely having company, or possibly has a split personality disorder. You should not ask for sex, but it is acceptable to angle for a monetary tip. Be polite and depart immediately. Take the cart back to the kitchen right away, as it will most likely be needed for another room service call momentarily. Remember, this is a world-class hotel, and absolute perfection is expected of all its employees. Now ask yourself, do you honestly think you could have provided that in a sexual context?

If this is how your home is furnished, chances are pretty good that you're sleeping alone tonight.

The Situation: You are moving into a new place of residence. Your new neighbor, an attractive young woman, comes by to welcome you o the neighborhood.

In Porn: She would ask if there was anything you needed, possibly while twisting her index finger against the corner of her lip. You would tell her that you could use some company. The two of you would have sex on the floor between your boxes of shirts and old issues of Penthouse. Then you would have sex on the kitchen counter, then again on the floor. She would leave before morning, and the two of you would go on with your lives.

In Reality: You should only ask for something if it is small, inexpensive, and you honestly need it. For instance, it would be okay to ask to borrow a roll of duct tape, because you probably have some use for duct tape. However, it is not okay to ask for her top. She may have paid a good deal for that top, or it could be one of her favorites. In any event, you don't need it. You should not make any sexual advances unless she makes them first, and then you should make sure that you understand her intentions. Remember, in all likelihood she is there to welcome you to the neighborhood, not your penis. While it's true that by welcoming you, she is implicitly welcoming your penis, as it is attached to you, but you should not point this out. Bear in mind that you will be living next to this woman for some time, and if you make things awkward now, your relationship could be damaged for the entire duration of your stay.

Don't get your hopes up.

The Situation: You are dead.

In Porn: You would return as an angel. Your ethereal mission would be to sexually pleasure a multitude of women in a variety of locations. You would be able to control whether or not the women could see you, resulting in up to ninety minutes of erotic hijinx. When you had slept with enough women, you would transcend the bounds of Earth and rise to heaven, where beautiful female angels would be waiting for you.

In Reality: You should rot in the ground. In the event of zombification, immediately seek out delicious brains.

I can only hope that this will be helpful to someone out there. It's a strange and confusing world we live in - one full of chemical weapons, Oscar-winning white rap artists, and women who don't always want you to have sex with them. If you use your head and familiarize yourself with what we learned here today, you can avoid becoming another Frank Wright. It's time to stop being a porn statistic and start being a porn survivor.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt