The 2008 Adult Domain Buyer's Guide

Lot 1460: Ass.fm

Ass.tv would be a much, much better site. Asses are things of many virtues, but none of them are appropriate for radio.

Lot 570: Cock.com

Lot 580: Penis.com

I wonder if the guy who bought Cock.com said, "holy shit, I can't believe it," then immediately tried Penis.com and got that one, too. Then he probably did nothing with them for 15 years while the internet slowly caught up with the need for them.

Lot 700: MatureHardcore.com

Finally, a hardcore website that knows how to do its taxes and doesn't overreact to trivial insults!

Lot 930: Sluts.net

Doesn't this seem like a made-up site that would be written into a work of fiction by someone who'd never used the internet? Like, imagine if you will an episode of Law and Order SVU: Benson is like "We got him: turns out he has an account on sluts dot net!" and Stabler is like "I can't wait to get my hands on this sick son of a bitch."

Lot 940: FuckingPussy.com

Hot, cowardly nerds! Join now to bully thousands of sexy, lily-livered pantywaist dorks! Meet a yellow-bellied son of a bitch near you!

Lot 1810: OldestPussy.com

This seems like one of the top ten worst words you could associate with that thing. I mean, think about it, it's not even just "old," it's "oldest," and women live a lot longer than men. That thing has to be at least 110 years old, and it was definitely alive back when preventive medicine was inelegant, when men were freer with the liberties they took, when women were expected to be fruitful and bear dozens and dozens of children. Surely this is an organ that has suffered a lifetime of abuses and distensions, and now it might be laid bare on the internet.

Lot 1730: BizarreAnal.com

And what the hell is with this word combo? What sort of a person, when seeking anything related to anuses, goes for the bizarre? If it's you, I leave you with this stern warning: bizarre anuses are a gateway to macabre anuses.

Lot 1630: Undressing.net

What an innocuous name. I guess maybe it could be some site that caters to kids who try to circumvent the internet filters on their school computers by typing in every vaguely suggestive word they can think of. But technically, this could be about Mr. Rogers.

Lot 1690: Copulation.org

Founded in 1974, The Copulation Foundation is a non-profit group dedicated to the propagation of the human species through biological means. Ask about our generous grant programs.

Lot 1550: Tit.org

This will probably wind up being bought by something like the Thames Institute of Theology and they'll constantly resent being made fun of for their stupid domain name.

Lot 40: WomenHavingSex.com

What an extremely workmanlike domain, perfect for the literal-minded porn consumer. "Hmm, I'd rather like to see some people having sex, but I'd prefer it not to involve men. Ah, I know! I'll just head over to WomenHavingSex.com! I'll just put this in my bookmarks along with CheckMyEmail.com, RentMoviesFromTheInternet.com and TurnOffMyComputer.com."

Lot 720: Pornography.com

OK, now the guy in the previous paragraph is just getting a little too goddamn lazy. Work on your abstraction, buddy!

Lot 1150: Grannies.net

Hell yeah, let's download some erotic doily patterns.

Lot 1030: ShowMeYourTits.com

I'll bet the New Orleans chamber of commerce is going to pay millions of dollars for this site.

Lot 1010: XxxScreenSavers.com

Putting aside the fact that it's not 1994 anymore and none of us use screensavers, I guess maybe this would be for people who only like to look at porn when they're not around.

Lot 1040: FuckIt.com

Eh. Whatever.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)