The 2008 Adult Domain Buyer's Guide

This weekend, a company called Moniker Marketplace auctioned off a huge, torrential load of valuable adult domain names. Some went for tens or even hundreds of thousands. Many more remain unsold and are still up for bidding, so you still might be able to snag a top-quality adult domain for an affordable price. For your edification, the internet experts here at Something Awful have put together a quick buyer's guide that will help you pick out your next blockbuster adult domain.

The rating system is on the Laimbeer system: one Laimbeer represents a useless or unmarketable domain, while five Laimbeers guarantees high quality and great financial reward.

Forgive me for the lack of illustration in this update, but I don't think anyone really wants to see that.

To see the full list of sites and verify that I'm not just making all this up, visit the auction listing:

http://marketplacepro.moniker.com/auction/detail.html?auction_id=193

Lot 1330: Wife.info

If ever there was a domain name that really needed to house a serious and informative site, this is it. What is a wife, and how do I get one? How can I maintain and care for my wife? What do I do if my wife becomes bothersome? May I have more than one wife at a time?

Lot 50: BlackEscorts.com

I really can't see why a used car site would want to buy such a specific domain, but I guess there's a niche market for everything. Come to think of it, I did buy my car on BeigePintos.com.

Lot 120: ChineseShemale.com

This seems like the sort of thing China would crack down on (I mean, they have that one-child policy, so if everyone can only have sex once, it stands to reason that everyone can only have one sex. Ho ho! Somebody fire me before I keep writing this stupid article).

Lot 155: Bj.com

This one sold for $200k. I'm guessing it was bought by a frustrated Greg Evigan, longing to relive his glory days of long-haul trucking and ape companionship. By the way, apecompanionship.com fetched $300k.

Lot 1060: Fucked.org

This sounds more like one of those sites that just has tons of shocking videos of people getting decapitated in car crashes and stuff. "Fucked.org exclusive! Check this crazy shit out: this bitch falls off her bicycle and gets fucking pwned by the concrete. Stupid bitch! Don't click this shit if you've got a weak stomach. Oh shit, my mom's home."

Lot 980: SexKing.com

I wonder why this hasn't already been bought by the real Sex King. Oh: probably because he's already the fucking Sex King and he doesn't need an internet presence.

Lot 1670: Semen.info

I don't think I can come up with anything to say about this that's funnier than the domain itself, so I'm just gonna leave it alone.

Lot 1100: Fag.net

Dude, why are you selling your homepage?

Lot 170: PrivateSex.com

I can see "publicsex.com" maybe going for a lot of money, but how will its rather lukewarm counterpart fare? Maybe it should be sold in some kind of bundle along with clothedbeach.com, mardigrasmodesty.com and unobservednudity.com.

Lot 220: GangBang.com

This is always going to be one of those irresolvable slang fights between guys in bandanas in East LA and guys standing naked in a line to have thirty seconds of sex with some twitching loaf of human tragedy.

Lot 230: InterracialThumbs.com

The idea that this domain would be used to host an adult website is really offensive to me. I was born with one black thumb and one white thumb, and I think I have a right to live my life without being objectified by online smut peddlers.

Lot 270: EatMyAss.com

Kind of a distasteful name for an adult site, but it's better to sell it to a porn company than let it be used by cannibals.

Lot 670: EatAss.com

For a more general and less personalized ass-eating experience than the one offered by EatMyAss.com. Sometimes you like asses getting eaten, but you don't want to get too intense with the fantasy, you know what I mean?

Lot 280: LickButt.com

And I guess this one is for wishy-washy cannibals who aren't quite ready to commit to the lifestyle.