Zombiez

This looks like a brutal murder until you realize the victim is made of toast and he bleeds delicious strawberry jam.Remember what I was saying about Snygg's chase scenes a few paragraphs ago? How they were so boring and slow and pointless? I would like to tell you know that the next 45 minutes are literally nothing but those worthless pieces of shit. But the thing is, they're worse than the chase at the beginning. In fact, if I can employ the services of the bulleted list one more time, I believe I can accurately sum up the entire middle of the film in under 100 words:

• Josephine walks along for five to ten minutes while the camera alternates between shots of her face and shots of her ass
• She stumbles upon three to four zombies, none of whom look like zombies or really anything remotely threatening (they're not wearing gang colors)
• Music that sounds like my grandmother farting into a glass bottle starts blaring, effectively making any and all dialogue inaudible
• Josephine runs into a room, locks the door, and leans on it while crying hysterically
• A new character may or may not be introduced; regardless, he is killed within three minutes, usually by having the zombies pull on his shirt until he dies of boredom.

It's also important to note that, going along with his theme of "not having a single goddamn scene take part anywhere near a city," Snygg decided to film most of the middle section in the woods. Not just any woods, though - the most boring, nondescript woods in the world. This, of course, makes a lot of sense, because the only thing viewers enjoy more than repetitive camerawork is repetitive camerwork coupled with shots of the same scene over and over. "Zombiez" could have taken place entirely in a K-Mart employee break room and it still would have been more interesting than these particular woods, which even hikers avoid for fear of falling asleep and being eaten by a bear.

Much like every other fucking thing in the movie, however, Snygg manages to make things worse by completely negating those scenes and sending Josephine right back to the building we met her in. I have to give the movie credit for this, if anything because it's the first scene in any movie I've reviewed to actually make me angry. Watching those 45 minutes is a lot like being forced to walk hundreds of laps around a nursing home, then having each of the residents punch you in the balls as a reward.

I will say, though, that the following scene is likely the strangest thing I've experienced in any of the movies I've reviewed here. After Josephine busts back into the building (even though we have no idea why she was there in the first place, let alone why she returned), we are introduced to a totally new character, billed only as "Zombie Master" in the credits. Besides hatching a diabolical plan to look a lot like Rasheed Wallace and boss around a motley crew of bad actors, Zombie Master has one love in his misguided life: Firing shots at a man who roams around his living room dressed in a chicken suit.

It's kinda like "hide the sausage" but in a much more literal sense.

Since this was the only chance for Snygg to end his movie in a somewhat positive light, he of course went the exact opposite direction and made things drag on for fifteen more minutes.

I am pretty sure Snygg's biggest problem is actually a disease and not a total lack of skill when it comes to making movies. If my theory is correct and he does have Parkinson's Disease, questions about the camerawork (the frame shakes harder than a sobered-up Bing Crosby in the Arctic Tundra), not to mention the script (it's hard to read your own handwriting when it looks like you "hand"-wrote the screenplay by clinching a pen in your asshole), are answered. I would also feel a lot more confident that the editing wasn't an entire blunderfuck and that Snygg, the poor soul, edited the film by hand and accidentally snipped twenty important minutes out of his movie by accident. This, of course, would explain why the ending of the movie makes absolutely no fucking sense, even by "Zombiez" standards.

As I'm sure you may have guessed, the movie ends in a confrontation between Zombie Master and Josephine. What you cannot guess, however, is why the fight is taking place, since Snygg himself clearly didn't know that. Instead of employing boring shit like "plot" or "buildup," he simply had Josephine stumble upon Zombie Master after the bizarre chicken-shooting scene and start hitting him a bunch.

Although we have zero idea as to why "Zombie Master" and Josephine are fighting (hell, you don't even know he's a Zombie Master unless you IMDB the movie), you can only assume there's some bad shit going down. I'm guessing the conflict arose when Zombie Master created his army of evil unemployed people and forced Josephine to go into the woods, since no horrendously ugly woman enjoys running around without a paper bag over her head, especially when there are bees around. Bees, of course, love nothing more than stinging the shit out of ugly women, especially when said women have heads that closely resemble a massive beehive.

But whatever is going on Josephine effectively beats the shit out of Zombie Master with no explanation or really any dialogue, even though the man has a gun, a knife, and, you know, an army of zombies at his side. The movie ends when Josephine tackles Zombie Master and sticks the knife in his neck, then walks away. This is coupled with the beautiful sound of Josephine repeating "look what you did to me you mother fucker" over twenty times in two minutes - Snygg, who is about as subtle as Kathy Bates' gut after a pound of frozen burritos, understands that character taglines only work if they say them sixty billion times in the course of an hour.

And so ends my look at one of the most confusing pieces of shit I've ever had to review for SA. Although this piece is lacking in summary by necessity, I think I effectively visited the film's plot points (all two of them) and deserve some sort of commendation for that. If you are genuinely upset by this piece's lack of summary feel free to shoot me an email, since for some reason my computer won't let me reply to anything anyway and I love hearing from fans. If you wrote me hate mail you can even reply to yourself! Just put a bunch of angry words in alternating caps, finish it with "suck my dick," imagine it came from me, and it will be just like the real thing. Adios, amigos!

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade