Unmasking the Idol

Put all of that together and what do you get? Well, let's put it this way: the second half of this movie is a lot like watching a GI Joe cartoon without the lasers: it's just one big ridiculous ninja melee/ATV free-for-all on some generic evil jungle island full of cartoonishly fake-looking scenery. Unlike GI Joe, nobody is fighting for freedom or the American way of life here, just for the down payment on Duncan Jax's summer beach house.

On second thought, maybe this is like a GI Joe cartoon, because isn't that Cobra Commander over there? The most headest honcho/supervillainous of all is the mysterious Scarlet Leader - shocking truths revealed to us over the course of the film about Scarlet Leader include (but are not limited to):

• 401(k) plan consists of a two-ton solid gold Buddha statue filled with factory irregular Gushers priceless gemstones and guarded by the world's laziest & fakiest luxurious piranha dramatic torture/summary execution pool, which might actually just be a really gentle and unsanitary jacuzzi, we're not entirely sure:
• Has the world's only evil throneroom complete with an indoor sadism-themed water park and Piranha Waterslide Experience(tm) (no refunds in event of grisly death - park "do[es] not take kindly to old people")
• Is secretly a diminutive Asian woman who likes to somehow slip unnoticed off of her remote island death fortress for some gambling and casual sex in Monte Carlo and fly around in her WWII prop plane with the top down saluting people creepily while they escape with all of her money and priceless jewels after humiliating her in front of the entire world
• Walks around with an intercom box on a gold chain around her neck like some kind of combo Darth Vader-Flavor Flav style novelty size voicebox-ghettoblaster
• Shows "no mercy to no one, no way" (actual quote)

Inevitably, the two titans of good and evil meet in the water park/throne room for what might be the least satisfying bout of ninja violence caught on film since that other ninja asshole accidentally committed murder and then ran away crying. Seriously, when your ninja kung-fu showdown has fight choreography that makes a William Shatner fistfight look like a UFC championship, you've made a horrible mistake. Eventually the Scarlet Leader breaks out her astringent blinding powder and ninja vanishes, leaving Duncan Jax drooling over a hoard of gold that makes the cave from Aladdin look like a Quaker yard sale. Our hero.

Unmasking the Idol picks up where Order of the Black Eagle left off and hurls it into a scummy, chum-filled piranha jacuzzi where even the barest threads of plot, motivation or exciting action are stripped away, leaving just an assorted pile of cliches and ideas stolen from better movies. Okay, yes, technically OotBE was the sequel and this was the original, but it's not like there's some crucial piece of the Duncan Jax mythos you're missing by watching them in reverse order. In fact as far as we can tell it makes pretty much zero difference. But whatever order you watch them in, UtI manages to make less sense than a spy movie with a baboon in a battle tank trying to blow up Hitler's frozen body, and that's no mean feat. So we salute you, Worth Keeter, but please stick to shitty martial arts robot extravaganzas for the pre-teen crowd from here on out.

Duncan Jax will return in Nothing, Ever Again...thank god.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)