Troll 2

NILBOG. How incredibly YTTIW.Holly's boyfriend and his cretin pals show up in their mobile home and park it in the woods, undoubtedly so the rest of the residents of Nilbog won't be awakened by their lusty cries of ecstasy during the night. One of the friends named Arnold goes outside the camper to smoke, sees a pretty girl running through the woods, starts chasing her, and gets a spear thrown into him by some marauding goblins. Arnold and the girl decide the best place for them to hide from the goblins would a nearby ominous, gothic, scary house, so they go in and get molested by a Druid lady. The woman playing the Druid is one of the most embarrassing examples of overacting in the history of modern film. She stretches out every vowel to approximately four hours in length, wildly gesticulates as if she were petting electric dogs, and forces her eyes open to the point of looking as if dinner plates were lodged in her forehead. She offers her guests a couple mugs full of dry ice and lime Jello, which they drink. This causes the girl to turn into a lump of slime and Arnold to transform in a tree (a tree that sweats dishwashing detergent). Drew, another one of the fools in the trailer, decides to run to town and get some milk. Oh, the wild and crazy kids these days, what will they do next? On the way to the general store, Drew is given a ride by Sheriff Freak, the law authority of Nilbog. Sheriff Freak (that's really his name, I swear) gives the kid a green sandwich and he immediately eats. The kid is dropped off by the sheriff, buys some milk, and then runs into the Druid's house to hang out with his buddy Arnold, who is still a mlant. I think he ends up being killed or something, I don't remember. It's not very crucial to the plot, all the kids were just cannon fodder anyway.

Jonathan stumbles upon the evil goblin church, which is actually the director's unfurnished basement, and gets captured by them (the goblins, not the director). They try to make him eat evil Nilbog ice cream, but his dad shows up and scares them away by threatening to call their parents and tell them that their kids are dressing up in goblin costumes and making lame movies when they should be studying for school. Grandpa Seth, who took time out of his busy schedule of "being dead", shows up and hands Jonathan a Molotov cocktail so he can blow up the goblins, which surround his family and chase them into their house. Well, they don't really chase them, they just stand in place while the family runs away. The goblins surround the house (by standing in place) and throw bags of sandwiches onto the porch, which I assume is how goblins traditionally attack their enemies. There's a scene placed in the movie around this point which involves some kid and the Druid eating corn together (which explodes and turns into popcorn), but I'm not going to bring it up because even mentioning it makes my brain hemorrhage. Oh wait, too lateeeesahhf0940945y9h)$))

This movie had a similar effect on me.

Eventually Jonathan and his family hold a seance to summon the spirit of dead ol' Grandpa Seth, and Jonathan mysteriously appears in the Druid's house. I don't know how, he just teleports there or something. He and Grandpa Seth attempt to kill the entire goblin race by touching the "Stonehenge Magic Stone" (I'm not making that name up), but it doesn't work. I though it might be more effective if they just pushed the damn foam rock over onto the Druid lady, but apparently that wasn't a valid option. The goblins storm into the house and make menacing gestures at the kid, but he repels them by taking a bite out of a bologna sandwich that he had in his backpack. Yes, the movie is that stupid. Soon the rest of Jonathan's family shows up, they all touch the Stonehenge Magic Stone of Magical Stonehenge Stone Magic and the goblins all explode and fall over railings. Everything goes back to normal, the family goes home, and the mom gets eaten by goblins (in order to leave the door open for "Troll 3", which will probably be about mutant giraffes or something).

In case you didn't notice, Troll 2 is a very, very, very bad movie. Is so damned bad that there isn't even a single fucking troll anywhere in the film. They manage to pack every bad and embarrassing "sub b-movie" cliché into one mindless piece of electronic urine. None of the characters exhibit anything that could even remotely be called "human traits", and the retards in goblin masks act more like people than the actual actors do. Move over, "Feeders 2", there's a new king in town.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)