The Granny

Can you win awards for "Best Sex Scene With a Corpse"?After the lovely dinner, a random man wearing a magical pasta necklace appears in Granny's room and tries to pawn off a bottle of mystic cologne. According to him, the liquid in the jar will either let her live forever, or possibly turn into a terrible daemon bent on murdering everybody within a 20-mile radius. The old lady decides that this is an acceptable risk and agrees to chug the crap later. He refers to it as "Queechan" or "Heeshep" or "V-Chip" or something like that, and says that before ingesting it, she has to make sure it never gets exposed to direct sunlight and needs to perform a "cleansing ritual". He leaves the house and passes the rest of the family, who are hanging around in the living room, probably arguing over who gets to pawn the old hag's golden Bea Aurthur statue. One of the jerk family members asks who he is in this thrilling bit of dialogue:

Man: Who the heck was that weirdo?
Nice Granddaughter: I thought he was handsome.
Man: Oh well, if he's so handsome, why don't you marry him?

Shakespeare, eat your filthy, decayed heart out. Director / writer / failed carpet cleaning salesman Luca Bercovici is able to capture the hilarious dialogue that can only be heard in the "special kids'" gradeschool classrooms, and he deftly ports this masterful manipulation of the English language to the braindead slugs of actors in "The Granny". I'm in awe, or possibly sheer, intense pain. It gets hard to tell after a while.

Granny gives the undertaker a nice shave.

Of course, the magic potion which IN UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD BE PLACED IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT is placed in direct sunlight. This causes it to bubble and turn red, naturally attracting the cat to come over and drink some of it. The frisky feline instantly metamorphisizes into a frisky brutal killing machine feline. Meanwhile, back downstairs (yes, they're still eating the damn dinner) grandma is about to eat a big spoonful of poison soup, but before she has a chance to pour it down her throat, a little girl asks, "Why aren't you eating your soup, grandma? You act like it's poison!" Granny spits out the soup and begins bitching (again) at her family before falling over and dying. I don't know why she died, maybe it was from the sheer terror of knowing she could have possibly eaten soup that theoretically might have been poisoned. Gets 'em every time.

The old bag is shipped off to the morgue and the family immediately begins squabbling over the $15 million she left each of them. They eventually decide to build a really ugly hotel where Granny's house was, because God knows, there sure as hell are too many attractive hotels around now. Thanks to the magically evil potion / aftershave Granny chugged before dying, she is able to rise from the grave and kill the embalmer. But no, that's not it! The ol' Grandma goes on to slaughter the rest of the family in comical and infinitely amusing ways! I mean, check this out:

• The plastic surgeon is killed by being slashed to death with scalpels!
• A woman who loves fur is chewed to death by furs that come alive!
• The horny guy gets his penis cut off!
• The obnoxious kid who likes to wrestle dies when Granny pins him! Oh yeah, and she throws him down a flight of stairs too. But it was the wrestling that critically weakened him, I'm sure.

Granny is able to kill everybody in the family but the nice granddaughter and some little random girl who's relation to the family is vague at best. The geriatric jerk approaches the granddaughter, intent on tearing her limb from limb, when she suddenly combusts into flame and shitty special effects because daylight begins to flow into the house! Yes, they were saved by Ron Popeil's incredible Insta-Daylight! Just in the nick of time! Wow! And so ends the constant rollercoaster ride of twists and turns that defines "The Granny".

Is "The Granny" amusing? Not really. Is it scary? No, I've had more frightening bowel movements. So what the hell is the point of "The Granny"? Perhaps its a tutorial for aspiring filmmakers entitled "How Not to Make Your Movie". Maybe it's just a message warning us that old people should be shot and killed before they have a chance to buy magical cologne from a man wearing a pasta necklace. Either way, it's just not that good, and I'd rather watch the bathing scene from "Cocoon" than have to sit through this again.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)