Sickness House

Distraught over the increasingly rapid deaths of their friends, Michael and Hellene do what anyone would do in their situation - they get ready for bed. I have never seen two houseguests so determined to sleep over. Helene even takes a shower, complete with shaving her legs. Who shaves their legs while staying at someone's house for one night? Is that a thing? Should I assume that if I'm going to have female houseguests, they will be letting their legs get all hairy until the very moment they can use my shower? If so, I want all the various females who have stayed in my home over the years to know that you're all gross, and I no longer feel bad about peeing on you while you slept.

While she's showering, Hellene notices a patch of black spray-paint on her leg. Naturally, she assumes that it is simply a short, but thick patch of hair that she has simply failed to shave the last few times she's been over at other people's houses, and promptly tries to shave it. Of course, she ends up just taking the skin off her leg in big flakes, spilling blood all over the shower floor. This is a blatant ripoff of one of the most notorious scenes from the 2002 film Cabin Fever, staring the unforgettable Rider Strong. But that's just how it is with you ladies, isn't it? You just can't resist shaving your legs in other people's houses and ripping off Rider Strong movies, can you? You disgust me.

When Michael comes into the bathroom and finds his wife bleeding copiously and mumbling about a man coming to get her, he does the proper husbandly thing and runs to get the doctor. Just kidding! Victor is a death sentence! Nope, Michael gives her a towel and a bottle of water, then tucks her into bed. Nothing like a little bedrest to cure those massive blood loss blues. We may be able to forgive Michael's questionable medical practices, though, as he is shown to have a spot of spray paint behind his ear. It's no wonder so many of these people are going crazy - they've been huffing paint all night!

Michael ponders the mysteries of how it could be daytime outside when it was clearly night in the last scene.Michael watches over Hellene as she sleeps, clutching a kitchen knife to protect her from any bad men coming to get her. She tosses and turns in bed, dreaming about being attacked by the shirtless green guy. Meanwhile, a very drunk Joseph starts to stumble upstairs, looking to take boozy revenge on Ben for his wife's murder. Can you guess how this one is going to play out? Here goes: Hellene calls out that the man is after her, just as Joseph smashes into the room in a rage, thinking it's the master bedroom. Michael, startled from both sides, stabs Joseph in the face. How'd you do so far? Pretty good? Then, Hellene leaps out of bed, grabs the knife, and stabs Michael to death. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Oh, you did? Well, how about this one: Joseph, bleeding from the face, crawls back out into the hallway, just in time for Victor to shoot him to death with his official doctor gun! Take that!

Oh, and lest I forget, Men With Guns - 1, Asshole husband - 2, Lousy Houseguest Psychobitch and Gun-Toting Doctor - 1 each, Lethal Disease - 0.

Victor teaches us not to fuck wit da Jesus.Victor, his adrenaline pumping from the thrill of administering the finest healthcare a black man could possibly hope to get in this country (ba-zing!), storms into the guest bedroom, but Michael and Hellene have vanished. Victor goes searching for secret passages that they could have used. Meanwhile, the maid makes a break for it, sneaking out of the house and running for the nearest car, leaving her kid behind. That is some quality parenting, there. She makes it into the driver's seat before being shot by the CDC guys. Men With Guns - 2, Asshole husband - 2, Lousy Houseguest Psychobitch - 1, Gun-Toting Doctor - 1, Lethal Disease - 0. That lethal disease really needs to pick up the pace.

Back inside, Hellene appears from her secret passage to stab Victor, but suddenly, she is shot from behind. It's Alyssa! She's freed herself from her pointless, self-imposed exile to make a triumphant return to quasi-relevance, courtesy of a gun she pulled out of her ass, apparently. Now it's Men With Guns - 2, Asshole husband - 2, Lousy Houseguest Psychobitch - 1, Gun-Toting Doctor - 1,Character You Forgot Was in the Movie - 1, Lethal Disease - Nada.

Upstairs, Ben gets tired of waiting for someone to come kill him like all the cool kids, and just drinks some bleach that he had sitting around his bedroom. I hate to say it, but Men With Guns - 2, Asshole husband - 2, Lousy Houseguest Psychobitch - 1, Gun-Toting Doctor - 1,Character You Forgot Was in the Movie - 1, Laundry Detergent - 1, Lethal Disease - Still Bupkis.

At this point, Victor goes totally looney. All the pressure of being a terrible doctor has finally gone to his head. Alyssa has to lock him up in the master bedroom with Ben's springtime fresh corpse in order to protect herself. Unfortunately, Cathy (remember her? She's the one with the baby) also goes insane. First she smashes her own baby's head on a countertop, then she kills the maid's kid somehow. Then Alyssa kills her with a crowbar. So that's Men With Guns - 2, Asshole husband - 2, Lousy Houseguest Psychobitch - 1, Gun-Toting Doctor - 1,Character You Forgot Was in the Movie - 2, Laundry Detergent - 1, Fat Mother - 2, Lethal Disease - Zilcheroonies.

Just when Alyssa thinks she's safe, Victor reappears, having freed himself somehow. Also, now he is green. I don't know why. It doesn't matter, either. The CDC guys figure now is a good time to pull Alyssa out of there. We flash forward an undisclosed amount of time (hey, maybe now it really is New Year's Day!), and find Alyssa in a plastic-lined room in some facility, seemingly fine and dandy. In the next room, Victor stands in a similar plastic room, drawing the frantic doodles of the mad. Perhaps his drawings could provide some insight into why he is still green. Perhaps not. The world will never know, nor will it care.

The End.
You may have noticed that I made kind of a big deal out of the fact that this disease didn't actually kill anyone. Yes, I realize that a disease can still be dangerous without actually killing people, and that many of the actions taken by the characters in this movie were due to a dementia that was likely caused by the disease. I'm not questioning that, and if that's the attitude that the movie wanted to take, that would be fine. But I couldn't throw a rock at this movie (and believe me, I tried) without seeing a mention of the "fatal disease" or "lethal illness." By my count, there are eleven deaths in this movie, two of which are caused by CDC guys, two of which are the work of a totally healthy woman, and one of which is a doctor with his special doctorin' gun. I'm sorry, but if you're going to bill yourself as a lethal disease, you have to rack of up at least one fatality. That's just the way I play it.

Semantic arguments aside, there's a lot about this movie that leaves me scratching my head. For starters, what was with the green guy? Okay, I get it, he's an embodiment of the hallucinations brought on by the disease (which could have probably been represented by something better than black spray-paint). Still, there had to have been a better way to do this. Pretty much any way that doesn't involve a green, lumpy, shirtless guy would be better, actually. Here's another question: was this really the final cut of this movie? Did I accidentally watch an unfinished copy? There are multiple scenes that start in the middle of lines or cut off important entrances. The sound is total garbage, and the lighting is often worse. Seeing as there is no writer to blame, I'm going to pin this one entirely on director Patrick Higgins. Patrick Higgins, you're going on my list.

Somethingawful.com: Retroactively Putting Patrick Higgins on Its List Since 1999.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt