Shrooms

Points for being the first horror movie that tried to make me afraid of a bucket.First thing's first, we have to get one thing straight: Shrooms isn't just a cliched horror movie with one lame-ass gimmick. It is an Irish cliched horror movie with one lame-ass gimmick, and director Paddy "Sheleighly Carbomb" Breathnatch doesn't want you to forget it. That's why he frequently reminds you the dark and dreary woods it takes place in is distinctly Celtic in nature, through such subtle dialogue cues as "FAITH'M BEGORAH LOOK A' THOSE WEE SHEEP CARRYIN' TATERS IN THA IRISH FIELD O'ER YONDER." Of course, being in Ireland directly affects 0.00001% of the movie's plot, so for most of the movie I forgot about it entirely. Maybe he should have included a dancing leprechaun in the corner.

"Raptor Red you awful jingoistic dinosaur you!" you find yourself screaming at your monitor, "U.S.A. is not #1! He can set his movie wherever he wants!" Then why the heck did he have to fly five Americans 6000 miles specifically to "do shrooms" for this dumbass plot? The whole groovy gang's there, Hey if you look like this feel free to send me creepy emails about your video game collection.albeit a bit creepier and drug-addled: the oversexed and steroid-addicted jock (actually named "Bluto"), the token Whoa man stoner, the pretty bitch who shouts about tampons, the hippie chick who fucks the stoner/has a hairy snatch, and the ~*sWeEt ViRgIn gUrl~*. The only character I actually liked was the one "Irish" guy that Breathnatch let into his movie, and probably only because he's basically Budget Johnny Depp. I still think he deserves about 27 Academy Awards for his role in all this, though, mainly because I would personally have sex with him.

Budget Johnny serves as the Yanks' troop leader on a psychadelic camping trip -after they discard all their cell phones, of course! Their goal -their entire purpose of being in IRELAND, is to eat wicked crazy mushrooms, except this one kind that will make you insane and let you look into Hell and see the future and make your heart blow up. Naturally it takes about five seconds for Virgin Princess to wolf it down like a giftbasket full of cocks.How about instead of actually writing a scary scene we just blast a loud creepy noise and flash some blurry shit?

So now that Virgin is spazzing out and hallucinating about demons, now would be a great time for Johnny to tell a scary story about something mysterious that happened in these very Irish woods. There was this awful and very spooky place where mean people wearing black cowls used to torture little boys, possibly by making them watch boring grainy black and white video footage. The meanest black cowl man and other assorted goonies could still be out there being spooky, which is awesome story to tell people about to trip through a couple dimensions.