Rodentz

Despite the good Professor's impeccable qualifications, we're thinking most of the blame should go to his dumbass grad student. Dumping toxic research chemicals into the sink and inviting his shitfaced loser ninth-year sociology student buddies who've been guzzling tequila out of a gallon-size Arnold Palmer jug all night into the rat injection lab for some serious partying^[2] aren't exactly the signs of a superior intellect. Then he tops himself by noticing that one of the steel rat cages has been completely bent and twisted open from the inside, and his first instinct is to ask token trollop Chelsea, "Did you...did you, did you do this?"^[3] No, it makes sense, really - we're sure she's well-known in their circle of friends as the one who likes to gnaw through metal bars for fun. Wait, no, that's almost as dumb as the asshole from Gor thinking that the barbarian horde trying to kill him was a prank.

Once the 40-year old college idiots show up, Rodentz smoothly transitions into a classic cliche Scooby Gang formula, which as we all know makes for a pretty shitty and boring movie experience even when all of the characters aren't so generic/bland you literally can't tell which ones just died in the last scene and which ones you're looking at running around still being alive right now, but here we are. If the rodent fodder aren't very memorable, at least some of their death scenes are, but only because they're all shockingly terrible. Like the guy who decides to hug a power main above, or the girl who gets her empty-ass skull turned into a chili bread bowl because her only motor skill is smushing with a chainlink fence while swarms of rats stripmine her brain for cheese curds. We don't know the name of the one guy who managed to bleed out and die from one rat bite, but we salute his incredible wussiness. At least he died to the rat bite before a light rain could tragically cave his skull in.

We could go on and on about the crusty old alcoholic janitor, Bring Your Cat to Work at Rat Laboratories Day, or how footage of rats sitting still just isn't scary no matter how hard you shake the camera around. But we know you're just dying to see the rest of that ending, so here you go:

OH NO, RAT CAN'T DRIVE, HONK HONK KABOOM

So based on what we've learned from Rodentz, here are our Top Strategies for Fighting Off Mutant Rat Invasions:

• Slowly lie down on the ground and allow the rats easy access to your face, neck, and other vital areas, effectively demonstrating you are no threat to them. Alternately, run and/or stumble haphazardly away from them, tripping over everything in sight to accomplish same.
• Attempt to walk off the movie set; if you become fenced in, continue walking perpendicular in the direction of the fence until either a) God or your boyfriend moves it for you or b) your entire face is eaten
• Locate the nearest available fusebox/main power source and electrocute yourself vigorously until smokey and golden brown
• Wire a bullhorn directly to a car battery and use it to irritate the rats out of your way by blasting college AM radio hipster bullshit countdown music directly into their faces. Note: if the horn malfunctions, it can also be used as a crude bludgeoning instrument.
• Offer to loan the King of Rats your car for the weekend - it's a well-known Science Fact (tm) that rats are extremely poor drivers and this will likely result in a fatal traffic accident for various oversized rats and regular sized people in the vicinity. (Note: the costs of the damages will likely NOT be covered by your insurance company, especially should you choose to place several crates of primed TNT and lighter fluid in the trunk.)

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a Shredder concert to catch. SHREDDER! SHREDDER! SHREDDER! SHREDDER!

[2] WHOOO, RAT INJECTIONS HELL YES!!! LET'S CENTRIFUGE SOME BLOOD SAMPLES AND GET TOTALLY SHITFACED!!! I CALL SLOPPY SECONDS ON THE GAS CHROMATOGRAPHY APPARATUS BRO, WHOOOO!!!

[3] This is what most of his lines sound like, which is why we've come to lovingly know him as Shia LeBuffering.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)