One Eyed Monster

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSo when I checked my Something Awful email account for the first time in about three months (teehee, sorry guys) I received two bmiracles. The first was that in over 100 mails, not one was from a creepy person who either wants to marry me or kill my cat and beat me to death with his corpse. They were all very lovely emails, thank you, your English teachers would be proud! The second miracle was that someone recommended a movie that I actually liked! Which makes it pretty hard to write about, of course. On the one hand, I don't want to give too much away, as One Eyed Monster is something you'll have to experience on your own (well, not on your own you horrifically sad and lonely child-beast you. Get friends and also probably drugs.)

One Eyed Monster begins with some clever folks who decide that the perfect place to shoot their pornographic film is Camp Middle of Nowhere with No Cell Phone Reception. I do like that the porn industry is portrayed in a positive light here! The dozen or so cast and crew members are chipper and adorable rather than the usual [insert depressing pornography industry fact here that would almost certainly distract one from beating off.] Well except for the producer, Jim, who is obviously an asshole because he likes shouting into his cell phone So once when I was 16 years old I went to Canada to hang out with some people I knew from the Internet. It was right around Christmas time, and this guy Justin that I knew online, he gets me a wrapped Christmas present. And I open it up and it's a CD called "PORNO SONIC: UNRELEASED 70's PORNO MUSIC. Featuring Ron Jeremy!" And it features Ron doing intros on all the tracks such as "A relaxed ass, is a happy ass." What I'm trying to say here is you should always fly across the world to hang out with weird people on the Internet, especially if you're a 16-year-old girl. and yelling FUCK a lot. But everyone else -such as the shy nerd, the washed up Disney child sluts, and the creepy girl who spends her spare time stalking 50-year-old porn stars- are all part of a big lovable band of perspiring misfits. Why, before long they're all in a gung-ho snowball fight, presumably followed by sitting around the campfire and roasting s'mores on Ron's gargantuan phallus.

Ron is best friends with the other veteran on the set, Veronica, who is freaking out about becoming too droopy to lick dicks on cameras anymore. Personally I would've advised her not to pick a career where they don't fire you the second you weigh more than a German Shepherd, but Ron is a warm-hearted soul and far more sympathetic. He gives her a pep talk about how he gets confident with a self-deprecating attitude, character acting, and a reproductive organ long enough to skewer a gestating fetus with. Veronica gets all fired up and, through an "audition" with Jim, manages to squeeze her way into the first scene with a X-Rated Superfriends power of her own: Iron Vagina.

But that fateful night during the porno shoot, Ron's resolve wavers, and he excuses himself to go outside and hang out with Jonah the Badass Lighting Dude. Ron gazes longingly at the moon, then laments that the pornography industry isn't the freespirited glistentown of bodily fluids that he remembers.

The second Jonah turns his back, Ron is electrocuted by a shooting star to the dick.

Somehow Ron sucks it up long enough to stumble back inside and pound at Veronica's snatch for a little while longer, but soon he starts hyperventilating like a TV pundit kept away from his drug stash. When the two are finally yanked apart Veronica is hemmoraging -which is solved by shoving a composite meta-tampon up there- but alas, it's too late for Ronnie. The gang is all set to cheerfully dump his bloated corpse into a snow drift.... until they notice a certain part of his body is both missing and thirsting for blood.