Acting

The key to successful failure in this category is simple: the less acting, the better, and Nightbeast really doesn't have any. Shit, it doesn't even have any identifiable characters, really - aside from the eponymous monster (eponymonster?), that is. Then again, with a face like this, who the hell needs them?

Okay, fine, so there are a couple people who almost come dangerously close to becoming actual characters for a split second or two, like the doofus Sheriff with the advanced case of Dad Hunch who sometimes seems vaguely reminiscent of a disco-era Barrett Coldyron, or the repulsive dickcheese mayor who looks like every single part of his body came out of a spray can. But mostly it's just a random assortment of people who we've never seen before getting atomized by the alien menace du jour. There are not one, not two, but three people in the credits known only as "Laser Victim".

PEEKABOOThe one scene which really sealed the perfect acting score for Nightbeast would have to be the uncomfortable, unconscionable sex scene between Sheriff Brillo Head and his direct subordinate, which starts with her tenderly nursing his leg injury by randomly whipping out her tits. You know, just like in real life. This leads to some understandably awkward and forced "romantic" dialogue, until finally the gravity of his luxurious porno mustache draws her in for the finish. The acting and dialogue was so bad that we're no longer convinced that anyone anywhere ever has sex successfully. And not to paint too vivid a picture of it, but remember that this is all going down in a town so 80s even the po-pos have Blues Brothers backup band haircuts and mustaches so porny they have to have their own separate entries in the sex offender registry, so it's a hilariously unsexy ballet of awkward groping, tan lines, and pasty white assflab.

And don't even get us started about the drunk acting.

Hidden secret bonus category of eternal shame

Even with perfect levels of abject failure achieved in all of those categories, it takes a little something extra for a movie to achieve the coveted -50 score. Every -50 movie has a certain je ne sais what the fuck, a permeating aura of bad ideas and worse execution which don't quite fit into any of the above categories, but which just can't be ignored.

Needless to say, Nightbeast has this category in spades. Our favorite example is the scene where the governor arrives at the Murdertown Pool Party and asks politely for a "vodka and water, mild." This has no relevance to anything in the rest of the scene, let alone the movie at large; hell, he doesn't even get whatever the fuck that drink might be before the cops show up and chase everyone away on account of monster. But it's such a jarring, insane detail that it's the only thing you'll remember about that entire 10-minute stretch of film. Colonel Jack T. Ripper only drank pure grain alcohol and distilled water, but even he wasn't insane enough to mix them together "mild". Anyone who could successfully manage to walk into a bar and order a "vodka and water, mild" with a straight face and actually get away with it would become an instant American folk legend.

And we haven't even touched the ending yet. So just how the fuck does the utterly invincible alien ubermensch with every cheat code activated simultaneously (including the infinite ammo laser minigun that instantly vaporizes anything it comes within 200 yards of barely winging) still manage to lose the final showdown with Pornstache County PD's finest? Batteries, that's how. Yep, turns out the unstoppable extraterrestrial killing machine that shrugs off bullets of every calibre like gentle Sunday rain is deathly allergic to having his nips hooked up to a giant novelty-sized car battery. We're not quite sure how we're meant to feel about this. On the one hand, it's like "Ok, well, who likes getting electrocuted, really (weird Japanese sex dungeon patrons notwithstanding)", but on the other hand, we've got this monster who's absolutely impervious to seemingly every other thing in the known universe, but gets one jolt from a glorified tazer and suddenly just explodes like some zit-faced teen's blackheads after a double-shift on the fryalator at Carl's Jr.? Yes, this is a good death. A warrior's death. The death every Nightbeast dreams of.

For those of you looking to enjoy the full Nightbeast experience and all of its pleasures, you can find it readily available on Youtube courtesy of perennial crap merchants Troma, nestled snugly between other such seminal genre classics as "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan", "MEAT FOR SATAN'S ICEBOX", "HOWLS - Sasquatch Bigfoot Film" and "Boggy Creek 2: The Legend Continues".

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)