Knight Chills

Wow Nancy, you sure do look different in this scene? Did you lose wei- oh no, no I suppose you wouldn't have.

Nancy is sitting in her school's computer lab, busily being fat and unattractive. Her friend interrupts her to tell her that Laura Nixon just called and said Hanee and Russell were murdered. Having just completely devastated Nancy with the news of her friends' deaths, Beth decides it's a good time to mock Nancy for roleplaying in the first place. You'd think Nancy was a heroin addict the way Beth wants her to stop. Nancy yells at her to shut up, then sits right back down again, winded from the effort of yelling. Several hours later, when Nancy has the strength to heft her own weight again, she leaves the computer lab, only to find Beth in the hall, being stabbed to death by the black knight. Okay, when he was killing people who abused him it was one thing, but now John's just being a dick. He even leaves Nancy completely unharmed, even though she actually did badmouth him while he was alive. This killing spree is starting to take a turn for the lame, I'm afraid.

Jack and Laura are watching the news, which reports Hanee and Russell's deaths. For some reason, from here on out all of Laura's lines are blatantly dubbed. I'm talking recorded-in-a-bathroom, reading-from-a-script-and-losing-her-place blatantly dubbed. Maybe she's dubbed for the first half of the movie, too, but this is where it starts to get bad. Jack admits that he lost his job altogether and breaks down crying. Man, he has nothing to do with the deaths and he loses his job and gets harassed by the police anyway. At this point he might as well just kill somebody. It's not like things are going to get any worse. Jackson appears in the hall, to the extent the a two-foot tall, three-foot wide lump of paste can really just appear anywhere. Once again, he attempts to form speech, and once again, trying to interpret it is basically a crapshoot, but here goes:

Jackson: "Mowbi aye hudwy." (Possible translation: "Mommy I'm hungry," which is probable since the little bastard hasn't eaten in the past three minutes.) "Dah tie-ood?" (Possible translation: "Is daddy tired?")

GAH!

Then he raises his pudgy, globular fists and rubs his eyes, which, as far as I'm concerned, are also fat. It's very difficult to describe how a kid rubbing his eyes can really be that annoying, but believe me, this is. In fact, it's probably the most irritating shot in the movie. I don't know why. It just is. Take my word for it and move on.

Brooke is working at a bar, waiting tables. Well, she says she's waiting tables. I don't see tables so much as I see a bunch of people standing around in an empty space, but that's just me. She overhears the news broadcast about Hanee and Russell on the TV. In order to give the illusion that the sound is echoing in a bar, the news broadcast now sounds like it's being played over a public address system. Three cheers for quality sound work! Yayayay! Unlike Nancy, whose idea of grieving is slightly shifting her ass fat, Brooke runs out of the bar in distress. Outside, she hears a noise in the parking lot and automatically assumes it's Jack because... uh... okay, you got me. There is absolutely no reason for her to assume it would be Jack. In fact, that's pretty much the dumbest assumption she could have made. Just as she gets to her car, a mugger attacks her from behind. Luckily for her and not quite as luckily for the mugger, the black knight is there to save the day by savagely stabbing him to death. You know, John, you really need to learn how to pick your targets a little better. Yes, we all know that Sir Kallio is pledged to protect Brooke/Johandra, but she was the one who rejected you, causing you to kill yourself. I think it's fair to say that your romantic chances with her are pretty slim, what with you being a decomposing corpse and all. And the way you just splattered her with blood, that's not going to score you any points. Believe me, I've tried that route.

Later, Detective Galligan shows up at the scene to talk with the cop who found a very shaken Brooke and the dead mugger. The cop tells Galligan that Brooke said she saw a knight on horseback and that there are a horse's hoofprints in the mud. Galligan replies, "Ever since I started this case, I'd be willing to believe anything." What? Excuse me? Once again, he may be right to suspend disbelief, since there really is a mystical knight murdering these people, but the jump in logic eludes me. Exactly what about a car crash and a few stabbings is so out of the ordinary that it would convince a detective to believe in magic and medieval warriors walking the Earth? I have to say, I'm not thrilled with Galligan's detective skills thus far.

Sorry, Zac, no presents for you this year. You were a naughty boy. You helped write this movie.

Jack is down in the basement once again, just sitting there. The audio from their last roleplaying session replays. Let me tell you, it's just as exciting when it's just the audio. I mean that in all honesty. They're roleplaying for Christ sake. All they're doing is sitting around a table. That's not really an activity that is vastly improved by visual aids. Galligan shows up at the house and goes downstairs to ask Jack about Zac and the black knight. The whole dialogue is essentially useless and really only serves as an excuse for Laura to finally get to be a genuine bitch to Galligan on his way out. Throughout the entire movie, she threatens that she can be a bitch, and now she finally gets to do it! What a treat for her! Unfortunately, she sucks at it, so we're going to skip that and move on. Shortly after Galligan leaves, Zac shows up in a manic state. He insists that the black knight is John, back for revenge, and that he's going to be the next target. Let's see, we've got Zac, Jack, and Laura... nope, it's just not fat enough in this scene. Cue Jackson! The chubby little basketball dribbles out into the hall and further butchers the English language.

Jackson: "I gnaw you don lie dlawn. He doze unt like oo eethoo." (Possible translation: "I know you don't like John. He doesn't like you either." That pretty much all it could be. The real mystery is why they gave this line to a child who is physically unable to produce any sound even remotely resembling the letter "J.")

Laura tries to quiet Jackson down, but sadly that only spurs him to shove more air through his goo-stuffed noisehole.

Jackson: "Ina missoo mama." (Possible translation: "I'm going to miss you, mama." The "mama" part is clear, but the first bit is really just guesswork based on context. The characters are just as confused by this as I am, so I figure it's not too important.)

Zac announces that John is not only out to kill him, but also to take Jackson as his squire. I say let him have the little walking buttock, but Jack and Laura don't seem too keen on that idea. Zac does have some good news, though. They only have to stay alive until midnight, because John's character had sworn to complete his quest by the winter solstice. It's a pretty flimsy rationale, but it's far overshadowed by the question, how hard is it to stay up until midnight? Apparently the answer is "very," as Zac and Jack have to set up shifts to stand guard until then while the other sleeps. Jack takes the first watch, and promptly passes out. When Zac comes in to relieve him a few hours later with the intention of staying on guard duty until morning, it still isn't midnight yet. Exactly how early do people go to bed in this town?

Jack and Laura are woken up in the early morning by Jackson spewing out some sort of combination of sounds.

Jackson: "I naugh dlatzi!" (Possible translation: I have no fucking idea.)

With that, he gurgles out into the hallway wearing a plastic Viking helmet, carrying a toy sword, and towing a suitcase. Samsonite - the choice of squires everywhere. When Laura makes the unforgivable mistake of asking what he's doing, Jackson secretes the following reply:

Jackson: "I gowee wi dlawn!" (Possible translation: "I'm going with John!" Seems pretty likely.)

Yet another child abducted by knights from beyond the grave. It's sad, really. Well, not in this case.

Laura and Jack run after their son. You wouldn't think they'd have to move too fast, since he's probably not going to get more than ten feet before he has to stop and eat his luggage. As she turns a corner, Laura's face is flooded with light streaming out of... a completely darkened room. Whoops! Looks like someone accidentally leaned on the flare effect button! What a silly goof-up! Oh, and WHY THE HELL IS IT IN THE FINAL CUT OF THE MOVIE? Jack finds Zac's dead body with a rose over it. So much for that whole midnight thing, huh Zac? He turns and catches the black knight and Jackson heading out the front door, which now leads to a cheesy sci-fi portal. You know, just like knights used all the time back in the middle ages. Finally convinced that John really is living out his character's quest, Jack uses his authority at the Lord of the Lore to declare the campaign over and tell John to fuck off. not in so many words, mind you, but you get the idea. He also says that his squire has to stay and complete a quest of his own. The black knight is satisfied with this half-assed brush off and he leaves. Jack reaches out to his son.

Jack: "Jackson, you alright?"

Jackson: "I naugh dlatzi!" (Possible translation: Okay, we've seen this one before. I guess it's "I'm not Jackson," although that doesn't cue the next line quite right. It could also be "I know Danzig" or "Su sussudio.")

Jack: "Yes it is. Your name is Jackson Kyle Nixon."

Jackson: (In a deep, gruff, dubbed voice) "Not anymore." (Possible translation: "Not anymore." Clear as a bell, because it's someone else's voice. It is, however, quite amusing to observe Jackson's mouth and notice how not only does it not match up, but there's no way in hell that the little tard is actually saying "Not anymore." My guess is "Blooble natz.")

And with that otherworldly voice, this tale of horror draws to a close. Oh, I'm sorry, that was a line from my review of "Audition" that I'm working on for a film class. What I meant to say was, with that incredibly contrived and poorly executed device, the damn movie finally ends.

So, what did we learn from "Knight Chills?" We learned that if you do business with someone, and years later they get into a car accident, it's your fault. We learned that flowers on graves are evil. We learned that women can treat men as badly as they want without ever suffering any consequences. We learned that no one cares that Uncle Sal is dying. We learned that just because you have a child does not mean that you should put him in your movie. We also learned that grievous and easily avoidable camera problems are acceptable in the final cut of feature length films. We learned that not every little thing that appears in a newspaper is automatically fertile ground for filmmaking. And oh dear God, did we ever learn for hopefully the last time that entire roleplaying sessions should never, ever be put on film. To the film's credit, we also learned a new language. I call it Jacksonese. If you want to learn to speak Jacksonese, eat forty or fifty pounds of marshmallows, then have a friend beat you with a sack of doorknobs. If you can manage to make any sound afterwords, it will be Jacksonese. Trust me.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt