Jacko

They're MAKING A CROSS! How EXCITING!Jacko hunts down the trick or treating Shawn and chases him to his family's front porch, where he struggles in vain to get inside because - hold on to your support hose, ladies - THE DOORKNOB IS STUCK! Yes, his dad cannot open the front door because the doorknob won't turn right [868 k]! I guess it was just a HAUNTED DOORKNOB! Don't you just hate it when that happens? There's got to be somebody you can sue in a situation like that. Maybe the 182nd Doorknob Greasers Union or something.

Anyway, despite the fact that we see a spray of blood hit the front door and the kid's hand clutch empty air, Jacko and Shawn appear in the cemetery, both unharmed. To exact his horrible "revenge" on Shawn's family, Jacko begins to bury Shawn by pushing dirt on top of him [325 k]. Scary! Somehow Shawn's parents track them down and distract Jacko while Shawn picks up the wooden cross and holds it like a jousting rod. Dad sneaks up behind Jacko, and in a remarkably cunning and ingenious tactical move, pushes the pumpkin-headed dolt onto his son, who is holding the wooden cross of doom. Jacko starts flashing colors and is soon consumed with a series of crappy special effects [1.7 megs], causing him to disappear. It's a very terribly exciting scene, ranking up there with some of the more memorable moments from "On Golden Pond."

Suddenly it's morning and Shawn, his family, and two people who I think are related to them but I'm not quite sure, walk off into the sunrise, talking about eating food [772 k]. Yup, they spent all night being terrorized by a hideous, hell-bent demon obsessed with destroying them, and now they start talking about breakfast. I'm sure it seemed on paper like just the most perfect way to end this movie, especially since the original movie ending was accidentally used to roll a joint for the director and they had to type up something in under 10 minutes or his dad wouldn't agree to fund it.

So there you have it. "Jacko". The crusher of dreams. The killer of childhood hope and promise. The movie which reminds us all our lives are insignificant and meaningless. It's also a movie about some guy with a pumpkin on his head, but don't let that enticing description sway you into renting this abomination. It's perfect for Halloween, but for all the wrong reasons. Oh yeah, and for putting up with all these video clips and stills, here's a picture of some boobies from the movie.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)