Hellgate

Matt runs away crying to his best bro Chuck, who (since it's the '90s) is totally allowed to be out and proud with his bro-love and shed bro-tears of sympathy. They share a brief broment of sincerity about lost love. Matt and Chuck also love to tell jokes and have fun! Their favorite joke is a comedy bit that would get them booed off the stage at a retirement home for Vaudeville stars:

Despite the comforts Chuck offers, Matt still misses Josie and her gigantic ghost cans, so he and his friends go back to Hellgate just in time for "Prom of the Dead" night at the old ghouls' home! Don't forget to leave clumps of hair and maggoty, gangrenous skin in the not-dead pianoman's tip jar!

But it's not nice for our heroes to crash the prom uninvited, and soon they're set upon by the alternative-lifestyle zombies, oh no! Don't worry guys, zombie Willie Nelson is just looking for some STRAAAAAANGE!

Lucas doesn't like all of these strangers running around his nice peaceful ghost town, so he goes into guerrilla commando mode and starts giving everyone long time-outs! It looks like Chuck really split his wig this time! Matt isn't quite as mad as Lucas, but he's still sick of putting up with his friend Bobby's backsass, so he leaves her alone to die of cirrhosis and second-rate burlesque dancing. Lucas notices her choking on an edamame shell and tries to help with his magic helping rope, but he's too late and her liver explodes, oh no!

Meanwhile, Matt's girlfriend hears Josie singing "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" in the shower. There's only room enough for one MJ impersonator in this ghost town, Josie! Shamon!

Lucas is very upset that his daughter is dead (again), and he starts lasering everything in sight. The friendly giant, Conan the Wagnerian, joins the party just in time! Uh oh, watch out, Conan! Luckily, beefcake is like a laserproof vest that converts all that death energy into a sick backflip!

Filled with false hubris, Lucas continues his temper tantrum, but a well-placed mirror brings his own particleboard shanty town down on his head. Remember kids, always check your blind spots for madmen with magical laser crystals, and you too can be accident-free!

And that's the tale of the Hellgate Hitchhiker! Well, that was a lot of fun, kids, but remember the moral of the story: If someone tries to give you a crappy museum-gift-shop geode that can bring dead animals back to life, and also make live animals grotesquely large and super strong, but it makes them explode 30 seconds later, and it can also bring your daughter back to life except instead of exploding she just becomes a colossal whore, and it annihilates buildings in massive fireballs but only knocks a guy over if you shoot him in the pecs, what do we say? NO thank you!

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)