Dracula 3000

Later, Van Helsing and Humvee find Aurora wandering around the same steam tunnels that every single tunnel in the entire movie seems to look exactly like. "I saw him," Aurora tells them. "Saw who?" asks Van Helsing. "187?" Aurora shakes her head. "No, him." Van Helsing and Humvee nod understandingly, because they're idiots.

After returning to the rec room, Aurora explains to them who Count Orlock is and what he's up to. Apparently Count Orlock is from Transylvania, a planet in the remote Carpathian System. So when you combine that with the information from earlier in the movie, the ship went to Transylvania Station on Planet Transylvania in the remote Carpathian System in the Carpathian Galaxy. Easy to remember I guess. In any event, Transylvania is a planet of vampires, and it turns out that Count Orlock is the last remaining vampire and was paying the cargo ship to take a bunch of coffins, all of which presumably contain dehydrated vampires, back to Earth. This entire setup raises many questions:

• Why do vampires have their own planet? Are they Earth vampires or some sort of different alien species which happen to be just like Earth vampires?
• Why would vampires name their new planet "Transylvania?" Isn't that kind of obvious?
• Furthermore, if it's a planet of vampires, what do they feed on? Do they import huge blood supertankers and export a grim gothic worldview?
• Finally, if the vampires were being transported back to Earth just like they wanted, why would they go nuts and kill the crew and leave themselves stranded in deep space?

The movie continues, in a seemingly neverending slog of people running around and occasionally getting attacked by vampires. Captain Van Helsing eventually faces off with Orlock, and it turns out that he is from the long line of Van Helsing vampire hunters. Of course, this makes no difference anyway, because he gets his ass kicked and is turned into a vampire. We learn that Aurora is actually a police robot that has been spying on the rest of the crew, but it makes absolutely no difference either, and doesn't mean she's especially strong or smart or even wrinkle-resistant.

Eventually only Humvee and Aurora are left alive, and the rest of the crew has been vampirized and summarily impaled on pool cues or wooden crucifixes. As Humvee and Aurora contemplate their fate, the movie cuts to a coffin randomly exploding, and then Orlock is suddenly chasing after the last two crewmen, who take refuge in a navigation room. As they try to close the door, Orlock sticks his arm through! What will happen? Is this the final battle? No, instead, Aurora and Humvee pull really hard and somehow manage to chop off Orlock's arm with the door. Despite the fact that vampires are immortal, they are apparently not immune to dismemberment, as Orlock screams like a little bitch and is never heard from again.

Aurora and Humvee rest for a minute before realizing that their ship is heading straight for a star, which they had changed course for earlier so that they could kill Orlock with sunlight, despite there being no windows or portholes anywhere in the entire ship that could possibly let it in. Now that their fate is sealed since they are both too stupid to figure out how to navigate the ship, they do the only thing they can. I don't want to spoil it, so just watch the clip below. I swear to you that this is really how the movie ends. There is absolutely nothing more I can say about it, so I won't. See you next time.

– Andrew "Linguica" Stine