CUT TO
INT: yet another room in the Devil's Tomb. CPT. BARRACUBA and co. are standing around, looking bored, and occasionally taking turns coming up with words that rhyme and are also euphemisms for killing things in awesome, not even remotely homoerotic ways.
Cpt. Barracuba
Alright, I've had just about enough of these devils and tombs!
Cpt. Barracuba (over radio)
CALLING ALL ZOMBIES, CALLING ALL ZOMBIES! LAST CALL FOR HUMAN FLESH, WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 5 MINUTES! PLEASE GRAB YOUR BRAINS AND HEAD TO THE REGISTER, BUTT BROKERS!
A swarm of zombies murders everyone - except for CPT. BARRACUBA - in super slow-motion, while he runs away on feet made of explosions.
CUT TO:
INT: entrance to the Devil's tomb. CPT. BARRACUBA runs in, breathing heavily.
Cpt. Barracuba
RADIO, BITCHES! ED HARRIS, MOTHERFUCKER! I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN ALL THESE YEARS!
RON PERLMAN slowly emerges from the shadows, lighting another stogie with a flame from the tip of his finger, then blows out the finger flame with a devilish grin, rolling his head sidelong toward camera B as if to say 'Heh. Do I look like I give a fuck?'
Ron Perlman
What if God is the real devil? Makes you think. Now hold still so I can skin you alive.
Cpt. Barracuba
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of...KICKING YOUR ASS.
CPT. BARRACUBA reaches inside his Bible and pulls out a gun that was hidden in there instead of all that jib jab about the meaning of life as a trick, and shoots RON SATAN in the face. Predictably, this does nothing but give him a brief headache.
CPT. BARRACUBA throws his lit stogie at RON PERLMAN's stogie, causing a HUGE EXPLOSION. RON PERLMAN catches fire and flails around for a while, because being possessed by Satan has made him extra vulnerable to fire. (Please DO NOT ask your unit director questions about this point, it is canon.)
CUT TO:
INT: military hospital. CPT. BARRACUBA is strapped down to a bed, and his head is wrapped in bandages. He seems delirious.
Cpt. Barracuba
PEARL HARBOR! I KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT MYSELF OR MY OWN CAREER, WHICH SEEMS PRETTY WEIRD NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT!
The NURSE standing over CPT. BARRACUBA's bed pulls off her rubber face mask to reveal that she is actually a REALLY GENERIC-LOOKING ALIEN. Then the REALLY GENERIC-LOOKING ALIEN pulls off another rubber face mask to reveal that he is in fact RON PERLMAN. He smirks directly into the camera.
FADE TO BLACK, ROLL CREDITS
And thus concludes...wait, shit, we promised you Ron Perlman choking the life out of Cuba Gooding Jr., didn't we? Well, if you really need to see that, have a look at the (mostly) original ending, which we've conveniently cut from 20 minutes down to 3. Just don't say we didn't warn you.
| Plot | -10 |
|---|---|
| Acting | -6 |
| Special Effects | -4 |
| Directing | -9 |
| Music / Sound | -5 |
| Overall | -34/50 |
–
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