Cyberjack

Overview: Terrorists storm a corporate building at night, taking a bunch of hostages and trying to force them to hand over their incredibly valuable computer virus. But they overlooked one man, who just happens to be a veteran police officer and starts dispatching them one by one...god dammit, is this another fucking Die Hard ripoff? Of course it is.

Directed By: Robert Lee, 1995

The Case For: Some of the special effects are actually pretty good for the era, although they couldn't afford enough of them so in a futuristic city full of flying cars, everyone just drives old '80s sedans around normal-looking buildings.

The Case Against: Last time we encountered Michael Dudikoff as an action lead, there was no action and no leading, so expect more of the same. Also, the characters spend a solid two-thirds of the movie listening talking about baseball and listening to a fake baseball game on the radio, just so the announcer can happen to yell "HERE'S THE PITCH" during one action sequence.

> WELCOME TO CYBERJACK, THE INTERACTIVE WEB 7.0 MOVIE EXPERIENCE OF TOMORROW.

> SELECT MAIN CHARACTER.

> YOU HAVE SELECTED: MICHAEL DUDIKOFF.

>...

> WHY?

>...

>PLEASE TRY AGAIN.

>>Michael Dudikoff

> NO. INVALID CHOICE. STOP PICKING MICHAEL DUDIKOFF. HE IS NOT AN ACTION HERO. HE BARELY QUALIFIES AS A SENTIENT BEING.

>>Michael Dudikoff

> ALRIGHT, GODDAMN IT, BUT WE BOTH HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS.

> SELECT MAIN VILLAIN.

> YOU HAVE SELECTED: DIET RUTGER HAUER. SELECT COSTUME.

> YOU HAVE SELECTED: METH ADDICT.

> AUTOMATICALLY FILLING OUT CAST...CAST COMPLETE. PRIMARY ROMANTIC INTEREST SET TO “GEEKY WOMAN WHO CAN’T EVER SHUT UP ABOUT IMAGINARY BASEBALL TEAMS”.

> GO NEPTUNES, WHOEVER THE HELL THEY ARE!

> SHE TAKES A BREAK FROM SOUL-SUCKINGLY VACUOUS STATEMENTS ABOUT OUTFIELDING TO AWKWARDLY FLIRT WITH YOU. ENTER RESPONSE:

>> "Yippie ki yayoh heehaw, Mother Falcon."

>> "I’m Nick James, bitch!"

>> "Who wants American Ninja 4 DVDs? I’ve got a whole trunk full of ‘em!"

> EXCELLENT! SHE MAKES A FACE LIKE SHE CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR BLEACHED, LIPLESS MOUTH. IF THIS WERE MY MOVIE HER HEAD WOULD EXPLODE LIKE AN EXTRA IN SCANNERS.