Curse of the Zodiac

Trillaphon: How the World Looks to Drunk-Ass Dogs: The Movie.

Hydrogen: So is he supposed to be cosplaying that guy from the Hitman games, or a neo-Nazi vigilante superhero?

Trillaphon: He's Blurryman: the new Slenderman, only better.

Hydrogen: We'd better file a copyright with the Bureau of Internet Memes quick, so we can rake in all those sweet, sweet royalties from shitty freeware horror games that are really scary if you have the emotional maturity of a preschooler.

Trillaphon: This is going to end with Zodiac getting a pneumatic cannon grafted onto his micropenis and having a Scarface-style shootout with the SFPD, isn't it?

Hydrogen: We both know it's actually going to end with 10 solid minutes of strobing green-filtered bullshit, and then a list of thoroughly undeserved credits.

Trillaphon: ...goddamn it.

Trillaphon: Wait, so the Zodiac killer is supposed to be some kind of omniscient tilty fart cloud?

Hydrogen: I guess so. An omniscient tilty fart-vapor cloud that lives in the men's room muttering to itself about fat fucks and bitch killing.

Trillaphon: Well when you put it that way, it just sounds silly. Incidentally, I don't think I can tell left from right anymore.

Hydrogen: I don't think I can tell obscenities from regular words anymore. This movie has more swearing than a Grindcore show in a novelty T-shirt factory, and it's only half as coherent.

Trillaphon: We've lost sight of the fact that Yoko Oh No there has psychically witnessed four murders and can identify the killer and where he lives, but she has yet to leave her apartment or call the police or anything sane like that.

Trillaphon: She's going insane from the deal they got on those purple lamps. Your mind cannot even handle how little those lamps cost.

Hydrogen: Does that mean this is a guerilla IKEA marketing video for those lamps? "Zodiakkenlampen: a bargain to kill for"?

Trillaphon: ABL: Always Be Lampensellen.

Hydrogen: So that's Curse of the Zodiac. According to IMDB, it had an estimated budget of $2 million.

Trillaphon: They somehow managed to take 2 million dollars and turn it into a movie that would be laughed out of even the most pretentious and poorly funded community college film study classrooms.

Hydrogen: According to the credits they also had a "stunt coordinator" and "fight choreographer", even though there are neither stunts nor fights anywhere in the movie. What the fuck did they even do?

Hydrogen: Is there a school of martial arts that revolves entirely around jamming revolvers in peoples' mouths and calling them names?

Trillaphon: Oh sure, lots. Crouching Bitch Murder style, Swooping Fat Fuck style, you name it.

Hydrogen: I had to ask.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)