The Curse of La Llorona

Ottis: neighbor, ghost hunter, Grateful Dead enthusiast.The next day, the family is at each other's throats. Turns out late night ghost attacks and incest are their "buttons." A neighbor by the name of Ottis drops by to see what all the gunshots were about, and also to check on Hana. However, when he sees Hana's face, he freaks out. Gabby instantly assumed that Ottis was the one who sent the package that the mailwoman gave her, which contained a video of the murder. If you can ignore the fact that we never see Gabby watch the tape, or that the tape would prove whether or not Hana killed her father, which is sort of an important tidbit, then you are a better person than I. Gabby goes on to accuse Ottis of sending the tape in order to drive the family away, so that he can buy the house, which is worth over half a million dollars, and add the property to his own, thus expanding his farm. If you can ignore the fact that the house is a shithole in a crappy neighborhood and there's no way that Ottis owns a farm next door, then you are a fucking saint.

In his defense, Ottis claims he has no interest in the land, only in getting Hana and her relatives off of it. He insists that the house is haunted by La Llorona, and getting them out is the only way to exorcise the evil spirit. This is the one and only time that La Llorona is mentioned in this movie, and with good reason. This movie has nothing to do with La Llorona. For those of you who are unfamiliar, La Llorona is an ominous spirit in Mexican folklore who appears near bodies of water in the form of a woman weeping for her children, whom she drowned to save them from a life of misery. Aside from the word "woman," none of that description could be applied to what is going on in this house. It's the equivalent of saying the house is haunted by mummies because there's a pack of ace bandages in the medicine cabinet.

Senor Festingo, noooooooo!Meanwhile, Hana steals Patty's knife and makes enough threatening gestures with it that Gabby locks her in her room. Hana's response is to blow up a random mariachi doll with her mind. Because evidently she can do that now. The explosion is enough to open her door and let her out. She makes a run for it, trying to stab Ottis in the process. When he responds by attempting to strangle her, Gabby and Daniel pull him off. Ottis chases Hana outside, where he has stashed a rifle of his own. They then have a showdown - Ottis and his gun versus Hana and her supernatural powers of teleporting and blowing things up - which might be intense if it (a) made any sense whatsoever or (b) wasn't in broad goddamn daylight. I've been saying it for years, but it hasn't caught on. Let me try again.

ATTENTION FILMMAKERS: NOTHING IS SCARY IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. YOUR MOVIE IS NOT THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE. THE EXORCIST WAS. THANK YOU.

As Gabby and Daniel flip flop between helping Hana and helping Otis, Hana gets the drop on the neighbor and bites through his jugular. He drops, but then gets back up, shoots her, and dies. Now the family all rushes over to Hana to comfort her in her final moments and tell her how much they love her, even though she has tried to kill them all, most likely killed her father, and just now killed a neighbor in front of them. With her last breaths, she tells Gabby and Patty how wonderful they've been (they haven't), and reveals that she is pregnant. She neglects to mention who knocked her up. Then she whispers one final favor in Gabby's ear and dies.

Daylight. It is a bitch. In the final scene, we find Gabby and Patty sitting on the front step, enjoying the familial bond that comes from surviving a nonsensical encounter with a confused and poorly thought out ghost/possessed cousin. The cop shows up and tells them that they were able to save Hana's baby, and that the family can adopt it if they like. Gabby confesses that Hana's final request was that she kill the baby, as it would retain her evil curse. Patty comments that Hana was crazy, but Gabby replies, "No, honey. She wasn't crazy. She was cursed," then says that she's going to keep the baby. Here's a breakdown of what just happened, in case you missed it:

1. Hana, who just demonstrated considerable supernatural powers, says she's cursed, and that her baby will be cursed as well, so it must die.
2. Gabby says she believes that Hana was cursed.
3. Gabby decides to not only let the baby live, but to keep it as part of her family.
4. I hate this movie.

I think it's safe to say that I've seen my share of bad movies, many of which were confusing and disjointed. However, even the most confusing of those movies at least revolve around some semblance of their own continuity. The Curse of La Llorona takes every horror cliché in the book - tried and true plot devices that may be shopworn, but at least we know they work - and yet somehow still manages to cobble together a movie that makes absolutely no sense. No, it makes negative sense. It actually depletes the sensibility of objects around it. Moments after finishing the movie, my DVD player turned into a jar of mustard. I can't explain it, it doesn't make any sense, but here I am with a godawful movie and an entertainment system that smells like hot dogs.

In the film's defense, the acting doesn't totally suck. I have to deduct points, though, because ostensibly at some point the actors all read the script and said, "Oh yeah, this is something I want to be a part of." Likewise, the music is pretty good, if you don't mind it starting and stopping at seemingly random points and having nothing to do with the action. Beyond that, though, this movie is pretty damn rotten. Oh well, at least there were tits.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt