Bells of Innocence

Later, Jux comes across Lyric again, who is nursing a splinter in her palm. Always eager to be the knight in shining armor, except when it comes to actually saving children's lives and not just relieving a tiny bit of pain, Jux pulls out his Swiss Army Knife and uses the tweezers to extricate the splinter. "I love you, Jux," she says sweetly, then runs off before Jux can lose control and try to make out with her.

From this point on the movie starts getting increasingly bizarre. The three men are invited to a harvest festival where they drink drugged fruit punch and watch a children's choir chant in Latin. After some fevered hallucinations they wake up in a jail cell which is magically unlocked by the power of Chuck Norris's mind. When the three leave the empty jailhouse suddenly an angry mob of townspeople appears, literally holding torches and pitchforks, and they are chased through the streets of the town before Chuck Norris shoots fire out of his fingertips and makes a wall of flame appear between the three men and their pursuers. It turns out that Chuck Norris is actually an angel, because I guess all angels are notorious assholes who love to abuse their powers.

Emeritus's skull trick was always a hit at parties.The next morning, Chuck Norris explains to the three men why they have been brought to Ceres. "You have been chosen," he explains. "That's why your plane was forced to land." The three of them must join together to save the children and cleanse the town, although how this is to be accomplished is never really explained. "You must put on the full armor of God to protect yourself from the power of Lucifer," Chuck says. This seems to involve walking down the road in slow motion while bad rock music plays. Meanwhile, ghouls and agents of Satan run around grabbing children while their parents howl in anguish. None of the evil minions attack the three heroes, though, probably due to their God-armor, and they keep wandering the streets doing absolutely nothing until Jux happens to see Lyric, whose sweet smile pierces his armor and makes him go crazy. He shoves the other two away and lets Lyric lead him into a church, where the ghouls start performing some sort of ritual which involves sacrificing Diana for some reason and then torturing Conrad and Oren and trying to make them denounce God. None of this really makes any sense but by this point I had stopped caring entirely.

Soon Satan's messenger Emeritus has focused in on Jux, whose suicidal and pedophilic tendencies make him a perfect target for conversion. He hands Jux a pistol, which just so happens to be the exact same pistol Jux played Russian roulette with at the start of the movie, and Jux waves it around at everyone as he struggles with his emotions. "Don't do it, Jux! Don't kill!" shouts Conrad, who is more concerned about Jux not shooting someone than his possibly damning the entire world to the reign of Satan. Finally Jux's God-armor wins out. "I choose my daughter Amy, who represents the purity within all of these children!" he screams in what I swear is an actual line. Apparently the screenwriter has never heard of subtlety. Jux then gives the pistol to Lyric, who then shoots and kills Emeritus for some reason, even though she is evil. Then there's some weird flashes and suddenly Jux wakes up!

Yes, Jux wakes up back in his bed at home. The whole fucking movie was a dream. Wait, let me rephrase that, the whole goddamn movie was a dream Jesus H. Christ. The only thing worse than spending 80 minutes watching a retarded movie is spending 80 minutes a retarded movie that ends by invalidating the entire thing anyway. But then it turns out the director felt the same way, because as Jux is about to leave to fly the plane to Mexico for real, Lyric suddenly appears in his bedroom, screaming in a baritone devil-voice before shooting him dead. Wait, so was it all a dream or wasn't it? Jux woke up in his own bedroom, but the movie ends with Conrad and Oren reuniting with their families in the somehow-reborn town of Ceres while the ghost of Jux is reunited with his dead daughter, so I don't know what the hell was supposed to have happened. One thing is for certain, though. No loving God would tolerate a movie like this.

– Andrew "Linguica" Stine