The Amazing Wizard of Paws

Through all of this, Bobby is relentlessly pursued by the nefarious Lord Gigglerglugs, a.k.a. Severus Daterape, a level 8 pedomancer hailing from the mysterious shadowlands beyond Bill's Hobbies and Collectibles Citadel on Pine St. (next to the Mr. Sub.) A master mixologist of powerful sleeping potions and forget-me-now herbs, little is known about this Lord of the Dark Arts' past, but some say he gained his powers through a pagan ritual involving a windowless van, a potent cocktail of experimental sedatives, and a court order which prevents him from being within 5 miles of any elementary school.

Lord Googly Moogly's MO isn't entirely clear, but as far as we can tell, he wants to either:

A) Classic rape-kill combo the kid and then eat his soul

B) Just pet the god damn dog, who's a good dog, you are, yes you are!

C) Obtain the Bedazzled Book of Unlimited Power and use it to...well he's already got magical powers and they seem to be better than Bobby's, so we're not sure really

If it's the last one, he's really not trying very hard. At all. In fact, Lord Ganglion just might be the least motivated dark wizard in movie history. His first attempt at recovering the magical artifacts involves following Bobby's mom around while she puts up "Found Dog" posters, stroking one of them in the most disturbing way possible, and then waiting four months to come and try to pretend they found his dog. This goes predictably well for him, especially since he looks like the David Blaine of door-to-door serial rapists.

Then there's the little matter of the fight where Lord Gunga Din just fucking gives up and leaves halfway through, because he can't kill Bobby in under thirty seconds of effort. Or the battle of wits and wizardry on a flying school bus, ending with a musical number that will make you seriously contemplate suicide? And of course, let's not forget the grand finale:

There are so many questions that ending raises, questions like "Why the fuck did he just toss the priceless magical key on the ground?" or "What the hell kind of accent does Lord Galgameth have anyway, and why does it sound like he's storing marbles in his cheeks at all times?" There are so many things wrong with that scene, but the worst problem is that the movie keeps fucking going for a solid 15 minutes after the bad guy is defeated, wherein our smug little boy-wizard protagonist teaches himself how to do actual magic tricks in an evening, and bullshits his way to second place in a nationwide America's Got Talent ripoff (even the director wasn't deluded enough to think the audience would accept him winning first place with that horseshit.)

We'll leave you with some parting words of wisdom from Blandalf himself: "Magic is like fire...in the right hands, it can do nothing but good!" He's no Forrest Gump, but still, words to live by.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)