The 26 Most Awful Toys from China

What they say: "This toys is funny, you can play it with your friend, four people put two fingers on fly plate, later press bell of fly plate, the red light of fly plate will run, someone will be shocked when the red light stop on someone's fingers."

Ah, games designed to administer electrical shocks to children, where have you been all my life? If that judge had only known about Shocking Toys Fly Plate, what I did to those kids might not have been classified as torture.

I wonder if the Chinese make a game that simulates kidnapping.

No matter, this is a must-buy toy for sadists, masochists, fans of Parisian ceiling medallions, and parents who genuinely despise their kids.

What they say: "4WD All-Terrain Dirtboard. Fuel tank capacity: 2.2 litre. Ignition type: CDI. Power transmission: 4-wheel axle driving. Gearshift: single speed. Max Speed: 55 km/h."

Stop it. You're looking at that picture and you're thinking, "That looks awesome!" Stop thinking like that. That's how China is going to win. They're going to lure us in with their horrifically unsafe gas-belching motorized skateboards and we're going to let out a mighty yawp and end up with a telephone pole through our collective chest.

Americans are lethally immune to fear when it comes to screwing around on motorized equipment and this nightmare version of the Segway is just another indication that China has caught on. Another decade or so and all of our able-bodied males will either be dead from goofball stunts or too fat to bother getting up to stop the arriving Chinese military.