Something Awful vs. David A. Tijoe

From: David A. Tijoe
To: Lowtax, abuse@fbi.gov
Subject: Racisem

Dear sir Rich Kyanka,

I'm displeased to see you have't taken any action.

Legal action will now be taken and this mail will olso be forward to abuse@fbi.gov

I requested to remove the folling picture. The text that is written is also very acialist. link http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/page-55.htm Picture page55-02.jpg

Please reply if you have removed the requested picture or other action has been taken.

Greetings

D.A.Tjioe

Oh no! The FBI now has a formal email on record! This was all my nightmares rolled up into one ball, except for the one where I'm being chased by a zebra with Bob Saget's head attached to its kneecaps. Time to play hardball with my ace pitcher, Leonard Crabs!

From: Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
To: David A. Tijoe
Subject: Re: Racisem

Dear sir David A. Tijoe-

I have thoroughly discussed your impending lawsuit and complaint with my lawyer, Mr. Leonard Crabs. After spending two hours explaining the situation with him, I realized that I wasn't speaking with Mr. Leonard Crabs, but I was in fact talking to an elaborate mannequin he constructed from wax paper and plywood. I was able to successfully track down and find Leonard in his basement, where he was proceeding to construct a reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg by using custom made Curious George figurines he fashioned from soap.

Mr. Crabs asked me if I could relay this message to you, in response to your immediate lawsuit:

"Sir-

If I had an ounce of rope for every two bit Nancy Boy who dare challenge my
legal arms, I would have more rope than Stanly Frebowski, the Rope King of
San Antonio. Please forward me the name of your lawyer, so I may attack him
with the fury of righteousness and injure him with my LEGAL FURY. I look
forward to receiving documents detailing your case, and will use them as a
BIB when I dine on fine lobster and Coca Cola tonight!

-LEONARD CRABS
I'M YOUR MOTHER NOW!!!"

Leonard then slapped his buttocks with his right arm and made a sound not unlike a train whistle. I'm not sure what that means, but I don't think it bodes well for your legal challenge. Please continue to keep me updated with the information regarding your lawsuit.

Thank you,

-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

I figured honesty would be the best policy at this point, especially since Mr. Crabs was brandishing a series of firearms and shouting ethnic slurs at my fireplace. This is how he gets "psyched up" for legal battles, and is usually followed by drinking ten shots of tequila from a woman's workboot. Strangely enough, this did not seem to satiate Mr. D.A. Tijoe, whom I was beginning to think wasn't actually Mr. T.

From: David A. Tijoe
To: Lowtax, abuse@fbi.gov
Subject: Racisem

How kind of you te reply, It to you a long time.

But the picture is still on the site. And i kindly request you to remove it.

Greetings

D.A.Tjioe

While I appreciated that Mr. Tijoe ended all his emails with "greetings," almost as if he was using a Bizarro email client, I felt as if not enough progress was taking place. I decided to step up measures a bit at this point, as Leonard Crabs was beginning to cut through all my nice furniture with a bandsaw, and I couldn't afford to keep him in my house much longer.

From: Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
To: David A. Tijoe
Subject: Re: Racisem

Greetings-

As per your request, I went to remove the picture, but Leonard suddenly appeared out of thin air (he has been practicing some kind of magic or witchcraft lately and is doing the most odd things) and he began to repeatedly slap my hand like a prissy schoolgirl. I screamed, "but Leonard, I am trying to remove this nice young man's picture, as he requested when he wrote a letter to the FBI and threatened to sue me!" but Mr. Crabs was not interested. Greetings. He picked up the keyboard and began to systematically remove all the vowel keys while chanting various pop songs from the 1960's. When I got the keyboard back, the only letters left were "P" and "Z". And, for some odd reason, ever time I pressed the spacebar, an image of Max Baer Jr. appeared on the screen. As a result, I was not able to delete your picture from the page.

Greetings.

I am afraid to try and delete your photo again, as Mr. Crabs has been known to have violent mood swings and could do something unpredictable that may possible cause me bodily harm. Greetings. If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them out and try my hardest to resolve this important issue. Greetings.

Greetings,

-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

Greetings

No response so far. I take this to mean that Leonard, once again, has triumphed by beating his opponent into submission with a piece of sheet metal. You go, girl!

- Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)