Something Awful vs. Crazy Doll Lady

Surprise! Your normal child is now a prostitute in hell! Enjoy! From: lowtax@somethingawful.com
To: PageantPhotos
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Mrs. Collins, I must stress to you *nobody* believes these emails are less funny than I do. Greg has the automated forum removal system operational, so you can automatically delete the forum of your choice by emailing us here:

Send email to: webmaster@somethingawful.com
Make the subject line: paganphotos@aol.com forum removal request 4847ae

In your message body, please write: "FORUM REMOVAL REQUEST: " Then follow that by the forum(s) you wish to delete. At the end of your email, please include the text "END STOP" To let our system know it is the end of your email. The automated system should delete the forum within 10 minutes of your request. Please let me know if it does not work.

Thank you,
Rich Kyanka

Note: her email address is obviously not "paganphotos." I intentionally changed her address to see if she would notice or catch on to how implausible this whole thing seemed. No dice.

Now here's where things get somewhat unbelievable. Alycia promptly emailed the "automated system" back, in an attempt to delete the "forum." She followed the specified syntax, but unfortunately the "forum" failed to delete itself. My computer committed suicide at this point, and after reinstalling, I picked things up where I left off.

Unfortunately, all the emails were gone. I thought about it for a bit, and then fired off this email to crazy doll lady:

From: lowtax@somethingawful.com
To: PageantPhotos
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Alycia,

It has come to my attention that a rogue former employee has been illegally using our email address to respond to your messages. We have since located the perpetrator and fired him. In order to prosecute him for breaking into our system and impersonating us, we will need all correspondence between you and him (the emails you sent to webmaster@somethingawful.com, and the emails sent back to you from webmaster@somethingawful.com). Once I receive this, I will be better equipped to deal with your situation, as well as prosecute this ex-employee to the fullest degree of the law. He illegally broke into our server for the sole purpose of getting our company into legal trouble with you, as "revenge" for firing him after we discovered he had been stealing our keywords and meta-tags for the past eight months.

Our legal team is absolutely prepared to bring this individual into court for the harm he has done to both our parties. However, my lawyer instructed me to obtain copies of all emails he sent and emails sent to him before we can bring this to court. If you could provide me with those, I would be greatly in your debt.

Thank you so very much,

The *real* Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
You can tell this is the real me sending the message, as I use the blue colored font, and that's my email trademark.

I had my doubts this would work.

Never underestimate the stupidity of the Internet.

From: PageantPhotos
To: lowtax@somethingawful.com
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Hello.

I will gladly forward them to you. However, they all came from this "lowtax@somethingawful.com" address. I have not received any emails from "webmaster @..." None of the emails have been in blue text. All of them are from the same internet path. Because the emails were so obviously mocking, I had stopped dealing with them. I gave the photographers who owned the photos, and the parents of the children in the photos, the choice to pursue the matter or not. Some are angry enough to go forward, others are not wanting to bother. If you'd like to just delete that particular forum and pursue the former employee, I'm glad to help. I believe that if you take care of it, things will calm down over here. Most of the angry parties are more concerned with the disrespect shown in the email correspondence with the man who is using your name. I personally was perplexed over the difference in the emails I was receiving... some very professional and concerned for the safety and rights of the children involved, others blatantly laughing at the way the children's photos have been destroyed and more importantly how they have been given sexual content. The children are my first concern.

Please delete the forum, then let me know it has been taken care of. At that point, let me know where you would like to have the offensive emails forwarded to.

Ummm... oops. I contacted her claiming the fraudulent emails came from "webmaster@somethingawful.com," instead of my email account, "lowtax@somethingawful.com." You would've thought that might throw up a few red flags but... nope. Regardless, crazy doll lady sent back each and every correspondence between myself and her, providing me with this entire update again. I'd thank her, but after reading this, she'd probably want to dodge and burn me to death.

From: lowtax@somethingawful.com
To: PageantPhotos
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Alycia-

It has recently come to my attention that Gary, the rogue, former Something Awful employee, has been secretly working with the infamous Big Doll industry to sabotage your site. Big Doll is apparently furious at your effortless, seemingly magical ability to transform normal children into highly abnormal doll-like creatures, a skill which their scientists have been working to perfect for hundreds of years. I intercepted this message from Gary to his higher-ups at Big Doll:

Johnson & Co.: phase I of PROJECT: ABJECT AND UNBRIDLED PHOTOSHOP HORROR is complete. Crazy doll woman is engaging in lawsuit threats with target website, naively continuing her work changing children into revolting mockeries of humanity. Crazy doll woman is unaware of our attempts to reverse engineer her creations and copyright an army of human-doll hybrid mutant warriors. Please progress to phase II: LIQUIFY FACIAL FEATURES OF ALL WHO OPPOSE BIG DOLL.

I am not sure what this message means, but when I woke up this morning, there was a Barbie doll nailed to my front door with a railroad spike. An accompanying piece of paper proclaimed "YOU'RE NEXT."

I am scared. I do not know what to do. Big Doll is after us, pitting our websites against each other in an attempt to destroy America in an orgy of violent, wretched capitalism. We must band together, Alycia, and form a resistance movement dedicated to opposing Big Doll and their plans to enslave us all. WE MUST RISE TO ACTION LEST IT IS TOO LATE.

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the people who Photoshop children into scary doll creatures
and I did not speak out
because I did not Photoshop children into scary doll creatures.
Then they came for me
and I couldn't move because my face was a freakish abomination nullifying the existence of any possible god.

Run away with me, Alycia! We must stock up on canned goods and Molotov cocktails. There is not much time left before Big Doll reads this message and dooms us all!

Rich Lowtax Kyanka
THE BLUE FONT WILL PROTECT US ALL

If you do not hear from me again folks, cast your steely gaze upon BIG DOLL.

- Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)