The Lasers of the Aryan Brotherhood

I feel an infantile delight when I see shiny lights and pretty colors. I sometimes find myself following police cars and ambulances for miles and I have been known to walk into any Spencer's Gifts I come across, lured in by strobe lights, plasma spheres, and the promise of saucy greeting cards for my 40th birthday. That love for flashing lights might explain my abiding love for laser light shows. There is nothing quite so patriotic as spending the evening of a muggy July 4th listening to Lee Greenwood belt out all the hits sure to turn your blood red as green lasers recreate an American flag on the side of a mountain. It's a rare treat, as American as Budweiser or the pain of stepping barefoot on a discarded sparkler, but why limit yourself to just once a year? Laser light shows are available for party and event rentals! Once I decided that I needed to hire a laser light show I tracked a company down on the Internet and made an inquiry posing as Sam Samsson. From: Sam Samsson To: Laser Light Amusements Re: I NEED A LASER DEAR SIRS, I NEED A LASER SHOW FOR AN EVENT. THIS IS A MAJOR EVENT AND I NEED THE BEST AND MOST POWERFUL LASERS AVAILABLE. PLEASE CONTACT ME WITH DETAILS. SAM SAMSSON 14/88 Imagine my great pleasure when someone named "Rudy" emailed me back within hours interested in discussing the details. Rudy turned out to have an AIM account and was very eager to discuss my event. My formative email prank became an IM prank.

SS_HH: HELLO ARE YOU RUDY FROM THE LASER COMPANY?

Rudy: Yeah, are you Sam?

SS_HH: THATS ME

Rudy: What can I do for you Sam?

SS_HH: YEAH, WANTED TO HIRE SOME LASERS FROM YOUR COMPANY FOR AN EVENT. I EMAILED YOU. I'M SAM SAMSSON.

Rudy: Okay, well we have a number of options as I mentioned in my email. What sort of venue will you be holding your event at?

SS_HH: A BUILDING

Rudy: I mean, square footage, type of structure, that sort of thing.

SS_HH: LARGE BARN A LOT OF SQUARE FEET LIKE 25 FEET WIDE AND 100 FEET LONG

Rudy: Okay, that is fine. We need full electrical access. Is the barn wired?

SS_HH: YES TOM CAN BRING GENERATORS FROM HIS SURVIVAL BUNKER TOO

Rudy: That's perfect. What sort of attendance are you expecting?

SS_HH: LAST YEAR 9 PEOPLE CAME BUT BILL ERTYL DIED FROM EMPHAZEEMA

Rudy: I'm sorry to hear that, but are you sure nine people is worth hiring a light show?

SS_HH: DONT GIVE ME A HARD RUB SON

SS_HH: YOU THINK WE AINT GOT THE MONEY FOR YOUR FANCY LASERS? WE GOT MONEY

Rudy: I didn't mean anything by that. That's fine. We would rent to just one person if they wanted us.

SS_HH: THATS GOOD, BUT THIS YEAR WILL BE WAY BIGGER ANYWAY. DAN TANNER AND HIS WIFE JOINED AND THERE BRINGING THEY'RE DAUGHTER TO SING ACAPELLA SKREWDRIVER COVERS MIGHT BE LIKE 12-14

Rudy: That's great. So what is the budget we're looking at for the program?

SS_HH: I AINT TELLING YOU HOW MUCH MONEY I GOT JUST SO YOU CAN TAKE IT ALL

Rudy: It's good to have a starting point.

SS_HH: YOUR STARTING POINT IS KISS MY WHITE KEISTER I AINT SEEN YOUR PICTURE I DONT KNOW WHAT SORT OF NOSE YOU GOT.

Rudy: I don't follow

SS_HH: I BET YOU DONT WHY DONT YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT LASERS YOU GOT AND ILL TELL YOU WHAT I NEED

Rudy: We have three packages.

Rudy: We have the basic package, which is the basic equipment rental and you handle setup and operation. We have the deluxe package, which is the same gear to rent, but we handle setup and give you an operator for the night. OUr best package is Premium, which is great if you need a custom show. We have our full range of lasers and we handle everything, including custom programming.

SS_HH: HOW MUCH IS THE PREMIUM

Rudy: 9,000 for the equipment rental, 10,000 for deposit, 250 for each custom graphic and 750 for each custom animation

SS_HH: WHEW

SS_HH: CRAP HOW MUCH FOR BASIC?!!!!??

Rudy: 2,000 for the rental, 5,000 for the deposit

SS_HH: YOU TAKE REPRODUCTION MILITARIA AS TRADE?

Rudy: No. Cash, credit card, or check and we need a valid CC for deposit

SS_HH: AND I GOTTA WORK IT ALL MYSELF?