Nothing says "talent" more than using the same goddamn prefab on every map. Now where are all the Quake 2 crates (tm)?

What the FUCK?!? A giant, upchucking robot hiding in a brown and grey shoebox of some sort. Does this guy plan these things ahead of time, or just make them up as he goes along?

DESCRIPTION: Chalk up one more winner from the mental giant that created "The Danger Room", "Robie the Robot" is another incredibly bright horror. Just like in the previous map, the author writes in the text file description, "I have NO idea why but I couldn't get the lights to work at all". I hope he finds out a way to dim the lights down to... oh, zero intensity. He'll save the world a ton of eyestrain. Or perhaps he's in cahoots with the Eye Doctor Association of American, that could be it. Was that the smoking man I saw behind the huge, retching robot?

THE MAP: As previously mentioned, the highlight of this map is a huge brown robot that pukes on command. The only downside is that you have to spend about 30 minutes trying to figure out how to get to the top platform to push the retch button, as all the textures blend into each other and you can't make out lifts and ladders from the nearby walls. This, combined with the apparent Strogg convention that's going on above you makes this a fairly difficult map. I was finally able to get to the top of the robot by performing the following actions:

1) Get on lift on bottom
2) Flip switch on next platform, move to other side
3) Hit other button, get on lift
4) Climb ladder to next platform
5) Say, "Oh, fuck it" and type "noclip" in the console

This seemed to work fine for me and I got to the top level within hours. Up there is a series of buttons, some of which have actual functions. For instance, if you hit one button, a cage drops from the ceiling and the soldier inside falls to his death. Another button is the infamous "robot retch" command, and when pressed, "Robie the Robot" throws up gibs and a text message displaying "urp" is shown on the screen. This magical moment made the rest of the map worth it. On second thought, no, it really didn't. But it was still fairly amusing.

Once you're done watching the robot hurl, the next move is to climb to the rooftop where you can warp to a ledge containing the spaceship prefab. It really was refreshing seeing that ship, as I haven't had a chance to view it since, oh, his last map. Very nice indeed. After stepping on the poorly textured button that's growing out of the ground, the map ends and you are whisked away to the next incredible map, "Only With a Blaster".

Any map where you spawn and are immediately under heavy fire is a winner by me.

GAMEPLAY: Well, there's enemies, and a lot of them. I guess the object is to kill them or something. Or maybe it is to stare in awe at the huge robot until you remember you have better things to do, like clean your mousewheels with your tongue. I think the author just put in enemies as an afterthought. The map design process probably went something like this:

AUTHOR: "I want to make something really really cool, but I don't know what!"

AUTHOR'S INVISIBLE PET MONKEY FRIEND, HORATIO: "Make a robot! Name him 'Robby the Robot', but misspell his name in the map file!"

AUTHOR: "That's a swell idea, Horatio!"

AUTHOR'S INVISIBLE PET MONKEY FRIEND, HORATIO: "Then let's go and burn down a police station!"

FUN FACTOR: The puking robot was cool. Everything else was semi-painful, like getting hit your knees hit with a mallet. Maybe somebody out there thinks it's fun to spawn unarmed into a map right next to four guys shooting at you, but I don't. If you know somebody that does feel that way, please hit them over the head with a beer bottle for me.

THE BOTTOM LINE: The bot makes up for the piss poor quality of everything around it.

- Cranky Steve

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).