Alex DeLaurentis enjoys another crotch-grabbingly great Christmas. His gifts this year included a ticket for "FREE REDNECK JERKOFF SESSION" by a greasy mullet trap who bathes in the excess oil at Jiffy Lube. I saw that jackass trying to put cheapass welfare oil in my car when I went to get it fixed up by that Chinese food buffet that sells the dead kitten mash mix, so I jumped out of my car and was going to cram his head under my hood and slam the trunk shut over and over until his brains squirted across the room and burst through the wall, but I got tangled up in the fucking air hose on the ground and I fell down and hit some barrels and shit and then I think I saw somebody trying to steal my car before the fumes made me puke so much that I got it under my eyelids and felt like the time I was inside that building when they tried to demolish it with explosives and I had to escape through the sewers where all the needles and armadillos were.

Bill the Bullfrog. I would claim they outlawed chins in North Appleton, but I've seen that fat broad who festers outside the Wal-Mart up there, and shit, she's got enough chins for a small army.

WHEN HOBBITS GO BAD.

This is why I don't buy used cars in this hellhole town. "Crazy" Jim Breuer sells lemons that smell like shit because he quality checks every vehicle with his white trash ass, leaving his "seal of approval." See that dog in the background? The Koreans ate it.

...and this is why I don't go to the fucking movie theaters. Not that there's been anything worth paying to see in the last 25 years or so. If they ever fucking make "Law and Order: The Movie," I swear I'll be the first guy in line to buy tickets. I love watching Jerry Orbach beat the snot out of those little shithead punk kids who get out of line, and that drunk DA guy is okay too, although he should probably smack that woman assistant of his around a bit because she gets out of line sometimes and makes him lose the important cases about guys who kill their wives because they were pregnant with rape children or something. If they ever find the corpses of those two assfestivals in this photo, I wonder if Jerry Orbach will arrest me. That'd fucking make my day.

THE LAAAADY IN REEEED, IS GNAWING ON ME, CHEEK TO CHEEK

Blaaahh, another white trash compactor, this one with a portfolio of all her previous victims on the wooden plank / dinner table behind her. This tub is a human trough.