WELCOME TO UGLY.COM.

The Livingroom Avenger leaps into action and tries to defend his territory from ol' Cliffy. Too bad I know what his secret weakness is: repeated blows to the skull with a sledgehammer. There wasn't jack shit worth stealing in that house, all he had was boxes of ceramic kittens and shit, what the fuck is up with that? And I'm not going to even bother mentioning the trash bag full of "used" white Kleenex's the guy had.

Hey, the living don't want her, the dead don't want her, I don't know where the hell else this gutterflop inflatalard jumbo boob beast can go besides the inside of a toxic waste canister that should be thrown into the bottom of the ocean.

What the fuck...? God I hate Texas. I hate every single thing to ever spawn in Texas and one of these days I'm gonna get enough explosives to blow up the border around Texas and cause it to float into the Persian Gulf or whatever lake that is between it and Mexico / Florida / whatever. Nothing good has ever come from Texas and nothing good will ever come from Texas, and if you're in Texas right now reading my computer screen web page site, I advice you to lick some railroad tracks until a train swings by and carries many of your body parts to new and exciting places. Goddamn Texans.

Crazy Banjo Lamont plays a little song for the horrid folks in the background making out. Crazy Banjo Lamont is a hero around here, but not because he's done anything great. Previous Appleton City heroes include Ben Jersey (who invented the Microwavable Select-A-Dice), Dr. Mark Stevens (who has operated on six people without killing any of them, the longest record in Appleton City history), the rotating cake display tray at Sherri's Diner, and the lamppost in the parking lot of the 7-11 which caught fire and burned down.

"I PROGRAMMED MY VCR TO FELCH ON COMMAND!!!"