Pete Morris, the Birdmaster. I gave him the fucking bird and crammed his pasty, bearded, tit-filled body into a trash can that said "Salivation Army" or something, hahahaha, what the fuck, Salivation Army???

ONLY IN THIS GODDAMN TOWN FOLKS!

Ted "Tumor Tits" Thompson smokes one of those weird smelling drug cigars and acts like the raging moron that made his parents such easy targets during my days of Wine and Explosions. I extinguished that drug cigar in his eyes and watched the smoke float out of his ass like the ghost of Jackass Past. I kicked his ghost's ass too because, hey, I'm that good.

Craig Jubalon not only bought the farm, he also ate it.

See, this is why I dont like computer machines, the manufacturers load all kinds of worthless shit in them and ship them off to you and before you know it hey, your house caught a bad case of Mutantitis. Also, computers come from communist Korea and we cant trust them because I was in the Korean War and those fuckwads used FLAMETHROWER TANKS AGAINST US!!! FLAMETHROWER TANKS, FOLKS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?!?

"I OPERATE THE WHITE TRASH COMPACTOR."