MC Unfurnished Houseboyz do a rap move and shows off for the camera while I beat the unholy shit out of their 1992 CRX in the driveway. Why do white rapper kids always drive cheap Jap cars? Buy American, you ungrateful assfaced zitmongers. I didn't almost die defending your rights so you could turn on me and buy Jap crap. Buy American, you pasty pimpled peckers.

The number 1 rated show in South Appleton, "Queen Scab and Cowboy Joe Solve a Crime." I never bother tuning in because the only crime they can successfully solve is the mystery of the missing dildo.

The East Appleton production of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." If you thought Snow White was horrid, wait until you see the dwarves. Think "rottweilers dipped in boiling cooking grease."

Speaking of "rottweilers dipped in boiling cooking grease"... I think pets get in free at the Appleton High prom.

Another Ugly Ass Trap snares some freak who broke into my living room to rip off my vintage WWI collector dinner plates. If you're wondering what happened to the pathetic shitbag, his carcass is now helping add important nutrients to the dirt under my bushes.

North Appleton Hardee's employee Mike Mitchell's stomach is divided into two handy sections: flab emergency depot #1 and flab emergency depot #2 (in case the first one fails to perform the necessary functions of "being fat").