Surviving Animal Attacks

Step 3: Choose a Course of Action

Everyone focuses on the teeth, but sharks mouths also often contain explosions.Ouch, ouch, damn spots! You're being savaged by one of the foul monstrosities from the last step's bestiary, so what do you now? Here's a hint; Action Jackson got his name from surviving animal attacks, so if you want to have "Action" instead of "Eaten" as your nickname then you'd better get moving! A lot of clueless nature types will tell you that playing dead works. They're full of beans so don't listen to them, playing dead means that they might stop trying to eat you and instead choose to lay their eggs in your skull. Would you rather fend off a panther's claws or go into work after a camping trip and suddenly keel over only to have thousands of panther larvae hatching out of your eye sockets? The choice is yours.

When deciding on your course of action to escape imminent de-lifing you should consider first and foremost "how is this fucker trying to kill me?" All of your knowledge about what the animal is will be worthless if a giant squid has used the novel approach of calling in artillery strikes on you.

Head Biting - The head is a vulnerable place, so you might want to try to move it around a lot and scream really loud in panicked agony. If your arms are free then make a futile effort to shield your face from the biting. It's interesting to note that the jaws of even a baby brown bear can crush steel I-beams. Unless you know something I don't your arms are not made out of steel I-beams.

Torso Biting - Torso biting is not nearly as dangerous as head biting, but it's still pretty bad and it still hurts a lot. Pound with quickly diminishing strength on the head of whatever has you in its mouth and scream "FIRE!" because it's more likely to attract the assistance of bystanders than screaming "RAPE!"

Limb Biting - Limb biting isn't so bad. If they're concentrating on biting your arm or leg that means they're not biting your head or torso. Seize this opportunity by chewing through your shoulder or hip and escaping into the hills.

Suffocation - Some animals attempt to stop you from breathing. Breathing is what your body does when it needs oxygen. Oxygen is a gas that your body does something with in some process that is important. So make sure you don't stop breathing.

General Crushing - Your entire body is being pummeled into a paste and boy it sure does hurt. Houdini was so totally fucking ripped that he challenged onlookers to punch him in the stomach. One time some guy did and then Houdini died. He died laughing all the way to the bank that is. In summary, crushing didn't stop an early 20th century escape artist so don't let it stop you.

Electrocution - Some predators use powerful bioelectric shocks to incapacitate or even kill their prey. These suck pretty bad but if you get hit with one just try to walk it off, you know, take it like a man. If you're a huuuuuuuuuuuge crybaby and you can't do that then just go home to mommy I guess you big baby.

Head Disintegration - When in Rome, do as the Romans. Some nematodes have such amazing powers of regeneration that they can actually re-grow a severed head. Let's hope your head gets vaporized while you're in Nematodia.

Death By Chocolate - It's figurative but it can still be scary. Talking helps, so don't be afraid to call me baby, any time.

Venom - Start by lying on your back and bending your waist upwards until the front of your pants almost touches your face. Your kidneys will attempt to isolate the poison in two small glands in your groin called "poison glands". You have to quickly drain these glands by inserting the erect "poison aperture shaft" into your mouth and vigorously stimulating it. If you're a girl then you're just going to have to die, but at least you'll do it with dignity.

So you've made it this far and you still have a pulse, great! But you're not in the clear yet, you no doubt have all manner of life-threatening injuries. From here you need to run, walk, or crawl to the nearest hospital. If the severity of your injuries prevents you from doing this then give a hoot and start digging a shallow grave that you can collapse into. Keep America's wild lands beautiful.