Instant Messaging

The Status-Tician

The Status-Tician picks a random message mode and chooses to stay in it for the rest of his natural life. For example, although the Status-Tician may have left his computer on while flying 4,000 miles to Japan, his ICQ client will still be set to "Free for chat" mode. This is because even though he hasn't touched his computer in roughly a decade, hey, he might really like to chat. One can never tell if the Status-Tician is ever near their computer or ever plans on returning to it, as they are a species shrouded in mystery and intrigue.

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
YOU: Did you get it?
YOU: Hello?
YOU: Are you there?
YOU: If you're gone, you accidentally left your computer in random chat mode.
THE STATUS-TICIAN: (Nine days later) Yeah, I got the link.
YOU: What did you think?
YOU: Pretty funny, eh?
YOU: Hello?
YOU: Hey!
YOU: Hello???

PLUGENSTEIN

Although these creatures do not communicate with users who don't maintain a website, they make up for it by sending messages in sheer bulk to anybody who has ever even registered a Geocities homepage. Plugenstein sends hundreds and hundreds of messages begging webmasters across the globe to plug their shamelessly awful e/n site, which posts such riveting articles as "Racism is Dumb" and "Why I Hate Math." These webmasters will go to any lengths to get their crap articles plugged on any website, as their content is usually so fucking awful that nobody in their right mind would willingly link to it unless each user clickthrough made their penis grow by an extra inch.

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

PLUGENSTEIN: hey! I love ur website I read it every day! ur the best writer!
YOU: Uh, thanks.
PLUGENSTEIN: i just read that one article about that thing you wrote! that was the best! I love ur site!
YOU: What article are you talking about?
PLUGENSTEIN: i wrote an article JUST LIKE THAT about a week ago! here's the link!
YOU: Why are you sending me this?
PLUGENSTEIN: check out my site! youll love it! i linked to ur site, so please link to mine! i get allot of traffic every day, and its going to double once i get my mom to read!
YOU: Is your site supposed to be this neon pink and purple?
PLUGENSTEIN: ill send you a webcam pic of me naked if u link my site!!! plz!!!
YOU: Are you the girl on your site that has facial pimples the size of basketballs?
PLUGENSTEIN: heres my site graphic button! it's an animated gif and is 429k! it's of my site name spinning around on fire and with lens flares! i made it in paintshop! plz link me d00d!!!
YOU: Yeah, sure, I'll link to the "Why Tampons are better than Maxi-pads" article you wrote tomorrow. I'm sure my readers would love to check out this wonderful work of digital art.
PLUGENSTEIN: THX bAbE! ill put ur link under my link to markside!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Wild and Crazy ICQ Queen

Hey fellahs! Are you ready to party? The Wild and Crazy ICQ Queen sure is! No matter what hour of the night or day, she'll be up and chatting away, spewing mindless Internet lingo and digital hugs and kisses to her special Internet buddies, who all probably have photos of kittens and bunnies as their Windows background. She loves love! Get ready to see some hardcore "rolling on the floor with laughter" action when the Wild and Crazy ICQ Queen logs on to cyberspace!

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: Rotfle!!! LOL! That was hilarious! Thanks dear! : )
YOU: Woah, who is this? Sorry, I think I sent it to the wrong person.
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOL! LOLOL!!! This is Sheila! I'm Nick's friend!
YOU: Nick? Who the hell is Nick?
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOLOLOLOLOL!!! : P~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your such a cutie! Nick talks about you all the time! If you weren't taken, I'd be putting the moves on you for sure! LOL! ROTFLE! LOL ON AOL!
YOU: Lady, I don't know anybody named Nick.
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOL! ROTFGLEGLEROFLT!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Your so crazy! Nick loves your sense of humor! OLOL!!!!
YOU: Listen lady, if you don't tell me who the fuck Nick is, I'm going to hunt you down and drive a pair of scissors into your thick skull.
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: ROFGGLE! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLoLOLOL!!!! Your such a joker! Your hilarious, hunny! OLL!!!
YOU: I'm putting you on my ignore list!
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOL!!!!!!!!!! : P~~~~~~~~~~~