Building a Street Machine

Perfect for "impressing the ladies", this stylin' Honda Civic sports one kickass spoiler and a tailpipe large enough to fit six illegal immigrants in.

Step 1: Buy a spoiler

For those of you who are ignorant to the laws of physics, a spoiler redirects the airflow around your car, preventing the front end from lifting up during high speeds. The added aerodynamics also have the benefits of improving your car's maximum speed and gas mileage. Now I know what you're saying, "But only race cars even need them! How could I get one for my own Civic / Saturn / Model T?" First off, you are wrong! Secondly, you are stupid! Thanks to modern technology like the microchip and the laser, scientists have figured out a way to allow even the cheapest and slowest of cars to reach speeds far above that of your ordinary "race car".

As an example: My parents decided to buy an Elantra, a four-door economy car that sells for under $20,000. The dealer told them that, for a small fee, he could install a rear spoiler. If you're thinking that the dealer was trying to rip them off, you're absolutely right! By not offering the spoiler as a standard feature, my parents would have to pay extra for this life and fuel-saving device. In their ignorance, they decided not to buy the spoiler, and while leaving the car dealership in their brand new Elantra, the damned thing flipped over as soon as they took it over 150 mph! Let their deaths be a lesson for you: the modern car is incapable of safely reaching its highest speed / gas ratio without the added aerodynamics of a rear spoiler. If possible, also buy a front spoiler, a side spoiler, and an undercarriage spoiler. It's better to be safe than sorry.

Step 2: Install a giant muffler / tail pipe

Many so-called "informed sources" will tell you that to make any significant improvement to your car, you will need to buy things like intakes, cams, and engines. There is, however, a much better way to speed up your car then opening the hood, which often contains many vague, dirty things underneath it. The key to speed is the tailpipe of your car. You see, as the engine runs, it makes tiny "speed particles" that move backwards out of your car, forcing it to move forward. By making your tailpipe wider, it is easier for these speed particles to leave, preventing them from staying inside your car and clogging your sparkplugs and air conditioner. These extra-wide tailpipes are commonly called "coffee-can" exhaust pipes, but I say the bigger, the better! I recommend a tailpipe at least big enough to fit a small horse in... not that you'd ever need to, but it's best to be prepared. Also, I recommend adding a second exhaust pipe to your car. This will mathematically double the maximum speed of the car. There's no reason to stop at two, of course. Simply go to a local mechanic and tell them you will give them obscene amounts of money to widen your car's exhaust pipe. Be warned, many mechanics will try to rip you off if you seem like you don't know a lot about cars, so show them you're "in the know" by telling them you will also give them money to rotate your axle manifold fluid. After you've got those widened tailpipes, you will notice an immediate improvement in how fast you think you're going. As an added bonus, your car will sound much louder, allowing people in neighboring cities to know just how fast your car is. If you can't afford a wider tailpipe, try removing the muffler of your car. You will receive similar benefits, and it will make your engine sound like a race car's.

Step 3: Tinted headlights

This little tune-up can turn the dorkiest of cars into futuristic road machines. By tinting your headlights, you're telling people that you aren't just some other loser with un-tinted headlights. You are a hip and street-savvy racer with dark headlights. You see, those dark headlights add a sense of mystery to your car, and to you as well. Many fine auto parts stores carry tinted headlights, but you can always do the job yourself with a permanent marker (note: you can also use markers to tint your windows and to get high. Make sure you have enough markers).