The Most Metal Things Ever!

The most metal thing is going into the wilderness to reconnect with nature + Satan but then you walk home to get pies that your mom cooked because that's what Thoreau would have done and also your friend from Kinko's texted you and told you the new Krallice leaked.

The most metal thing ever is removing spokes from your wheelchair until they form a pentagram, and refusing to answer your mom unless she calls you Rolling Wotan.

The most metal thing ever is getting rejected from a Bed Bath & Beyond product development meeting when you present them with your idea for a goat-hair BaphoMat.

The most metal thing ever is embedding a macro in your term paper that modifies the host's file so every URL redirects your professor to anus.com.

The most metal thing ever is having metal-archives URLs memorized so you can just say "dude how do you not know Burzum is 88?"

The most metal thing ever is the new entrée at your Burzum-themed restaurant, the smoked snapper de fantoft stave.

The most metal thing ever is probably a raped nun or a watch with skeleton hands (it's blood o'clock).

The most metal thing ever is when your mom fuckin wants you to take out the garbage again but jesus christ is a shithead you already fuckin did last week so you just crank up the fuckin Gorguts and tell that bitch that the most metal thing ever was when you tore a hole between her pussy and asshole when you were born and she says "that episiotomy wasnt a joke, I still have a scar" and you spit on the floor and say "Happy Mother's Day, bitch."

The most metal thing is getting laid off from your manufacturing job and then spotting a classified ad to be the guy who mans the jizz cannons at Gwar shows.