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Crowpath, "Chased, Caught and Charged"

het: This is the best wedding band I've ever seen! This was actually filmed as part of a shoot for Modern Bride's "Brutality and Bliss" spread.

het: I'm pretty sure Crowpath is going to have trouble getting repeat business if everyone at the reception dies, though. Guys, you need to rely on word of mouth.

GD: I like the intro, where the people are partying before the plague-music starts. It's like the first part of Cloverfield.

DFH: So the blood comes from this band being too metal, right?

GD: Not metal enough, dude.

DFH: Crowpath is the least metal name I can think of. "The shortest distance between objects." It's like a band name you have for three weeks until someone uses a clever turn of phrase in front of you and then that's your name.

GD: Well, one of the members is also in "Murinus," arguably a worse band name. And one of the members of "Murinus" is in "Lisa Gives Head," and one of the members of "Lisa Gives Head" is in "Cat Rapes Dog." Really, Crowpath isn't seeming that bad anymore.

DFH: Fuck, yeah, apparently no one makes clever turns of phrase in front of these guys.

GD: The banner behind them says "5 Yrs!!!" What kind of party is this?

het: Anniversary of... something? Of creating a crappy grindcore band?

GD: "5 years without a Crowpath-related death."

het: *Guitarist trudges over to the safety board, erases number, writes a 0.* :(

GD: *Guitarist's eyes glow red, winks with red glowing eye.*

Gulch of Rot, "Dolphin Kill"

DFH: Now this is definitely something I'm familiar with, the old "arts space" gig.

GD: Yeah, but whenever I went to those, there were arty-type people in the crowd, not old ladies and normal bored kids.

het: One does wonder how they got this gig.

GD: They originally booked Crowpath, but there was this... incident.

het: At 1:16, that chick's looking around like "uh, so is anyone enjoying this?"

GD: And at 1:35, the one-man mosh pit starts.

het: I like how slow he is to do it. It's not a mosh pit so much as an amble pit.

DFH: That guy will invite the rest of the band over to "jam on some stuff," then they'll discover he just wants to replace their singer.

GD: He didn't announce this song as "Dolphin Kill" at the beginning, so no one knows what he's grunting about.

het: I thought the band was called Dolphin Kill, this changes everything.

DFH: Dolphin Kill is a better band name. Gulch of Rot sounds like a poorly translated area in "Final Fantasy 9."

GD: They have a "real" video for this song with some dolphin-killing footage, but it's mostly notable because it shows them playing in a car wash port.

het: "OK guys, my break's only 15 minutes, let's knock this out!"

GD: These guys are from Hawaii, maybe all the metal shows there are held at art galleries and car washes.

Orden Ogan, "We Are Pirates"

het: In the Lord of the Rings Dwarvish language, "Orden Ogan" means "headlined the Ren Fest 4 years running"

DFH: "Hello, fair damsel! Take my hand and flee this mutton-chopped pirate captain!" "OK, somehow less attractive Gene Simmons!"

het: The black-and-white parts demonstrate that real life is but a hollow, watered-down version of their true ridiculous ahistorical pirate natures.

GD: "It looks like we have just enough money to make one video in our career." "Ooh, let's do one for the joke song!"

het: Most of the budget went to pay attractive women to be in their video when they clearly had no desire to be there.

DFH: At least it would have been fun to be on the set for this video. I would much rather be the dude getting a fake bottle broken over his head than the dude sketching wolves.

Van Canto, "Last Night of the Kings"

DFH: When you said "a capella metal," I was thinking more "Gregorian chants" and less "geeks in college."

het: Couldn't the lead singer have put on a more appropriate shirt? It kind of ruins my immersion.

GD: Laundry day.

het: "Oh shit, I knew I had something to do today! Whatever, I'll grab an Affliction shirt."

het: So, is this more or less nerdy than singing campfire songs like "Kumbayah"?

GD: I think maybe more.

het: Yeah, I mean those Christian kids will eventually have sex (when they get married). Dudes singing this, I dunno.

het: Still, I really hope rakkatakka catches on as a genre, if only so I can make dub- influenced hero metal called "raggatakka."

GD: How many barbershop quartets do you think have reinvented themselves as rakkatakka outfits?

het: God, I hope a million. Just wait for my hero-metal remake of The Music Man: "Trouble, right here in Midgaard, Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for Dork."

GD: Do you think Van Canto has ever caused any trouble? *Leaves campfire burning after video, forest brutally destroyed.*

het: I'm seriously waiting for Van Canto to have a death-metal guest vocalist.

DFH: I'm waiting for them to find a dude who can master circular breathing and just do constant doublebass sounds.

GD: And I'm waiting for Orden Ogan to release their eight-minute rakkatakka parody video.