Metal Hell Awaits

Lair of the Minotaur, "War Metal Battle Master"

het: "War Metal Battle Master": It sounds like they named this using Manowar Mad Libs.

GD: People sword-fighting in dark-ages garb while metal plays in the background -- is this a thing that happens?

het: Almost certainly yes. It's the Society for Moronic Anachronism.

GD: This singer is kind of ruining the immersion for me with his look.

het: Yeah, it's the sunglasses. OK, wait, so now there are hot vampire chicks?

GD: Well, it makes sense that they're here, given that everything else about this video reminds me of Uwe Boll's Bloodrayne.

het: One chick is obviously way more into the flesh-eating. The other is doing the vampire equivalent of a kid pushing her veggies around the plate. "Oh, I guess I'll sort of pretend to gnaw on this. I'm so bored."

GD: "I think I'm going to have to break up with (the bass player). We just have such different ideas of what's cool."

GD: Lair of the Minotaur also made this. I guess they have a template: "Quote from days of yore, boobs and blood, end." But this one only has like a hundred views. "Band struggles to get metal fans interested in boobs and blood."

GD: This minotaur reminds me of Willie the Wildcat. But I think K-State's mascot could play better guitar solos.

het: Mythical Monster or College Football Mascot was always a fun Jeopardy category.

Wretched, "A Preservation of Immortality"

GD: This one is billed as "the bloodiest music video ever!"

het: I can already see so many ways that this could be bloodier. Shovel goes in the ground, blood should come out. Guitarist solos, blood should come out.

GD: The ball shouldn't just be specked with blood, like fucking Wilson. It should be a completely red ball.

het: Right, exactly. Hey, look at my largely clean white shirt at the end of the BLOODIEST MUSIC VIDEO EVER!

GD: I think that Lair of the Minotaur video we just watched might have had more blood.

het: Actually I'm pretty sure it did. Can we get this video taken down for that?

Puncture, "Nailed to a Cross"

GD: The singer looks like Batman-era Michael Keaton. "You wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts!"

het: He really does, or like Beetlejuice without the white makeup.

GD: The keyboard sparks! Do you think that guy still owns that keyboard, or has it broken down? I like to think of him working on his broken keyboard in the garage with a torch.

het: "Hey guys, you know what would be really cool? If we shot sparks during this song!" And they're all "God, why did we let him buy that?"

GD: Better gig: Being a Puncture S & M chick, or a Lair of the Minotaur vampire?

het: The Puncture gig is less messy, involves less nudity, and the music is marginally better. But let's be honest, nobody involved in these videos really has dignity as a high priority.

GD: Well, this is an industrial band, so they probably didn't even hire or know these women. They just showed up and started doing S & M shit because they heard some industrial music while they were passing a warehouse.

het: "OK, so we have these corsets ..." "Don't bother, we have our own."

GD: "Fine." *Puncture's members keep their corsets on underneath their outfits.*

het: I wonder if the S & M stuff is just for show, like the singer takes groupies backstage and has really vanilla sex with them.

GD: The keyboardist incorporates "sparkplay."

het: "Augh! Dammit, shooting sparks on my face is a whole different story, you asshole!"