Metal Hell Awaits

Satanochio, "Lethe"

GD: This band is clearly called Satanochio.

het: Created by Beelzepetto.

GD: I guess people do call him the Prince of Lies.

het: What is up with wheelchairs in black metal?

GD: It's that same dude from the other video, his face is all roughed up after that tumble into the ditch.

het: He's a lot more active now. Maybe he was sulking before, he really just needed a good ditch-throwing.

GD: So, the concept for this video is 1) partially mummified guy in a wheelchair 2)

het: Well, it's thematically pure that way. Also, it makes sense because you'd be pretty pissed at God if you were in a wheelchair.

GD: There's really not much happening. I mean, I get that it's accurately depicting the plight of this wheelchair invalid, but now I'm scared to click on their video "View from My Coffin," it promises to be even more boring somehow.

het: Yes, it's just as riveting as their other video "My Eyes Are Constantly Closed." They went in a new direction, though, with "Polar Bear Blinking in a Blizzard."

het: Oh, Jesus Christ. There's a string quartet cover of "View from My Coffin."

GD: Haha, wait there are four people who have heard of Satanochio?

het: Every time I see "The National John Doe," I think it's gonna be a song by The National.

GD: That's the only reason that one has any views.

het: Hey, it's a good strategy. Their song "Animal Collective Sacrifice" was a minor crossover hit.

GD: "Hails, we're Satanochio and this is our latest YouTube clip, "Exclusive Unreleased Grizzly Bear Track."

het: Wait, you need to see Satanochio's "Hoax." The warning is great: "DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OLD. EVEN THESE IMAGES ARE JUST SYMBOLS."

GD: "YouTube will delete this amazing video ... yes, they can't stand the truth ... sadly." Am I missing something, or is this video just about boobs and birds?

het: I think it was originally called "Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley's Tits."

GD: Right, then it was revealed as a hoax and YouTube took the action of renaming it.

het: "ATTENTION USERS: THIS IS NOT JENNY LEWIS. JUST SOME ROMANIAN CHICK."

GD: It flashes "YOU ARE SLEEPING" at the end. That would have made more sense at the end of their other videos.

Setherial, "A World in Hell"

het: I don't get why they crop the drummer's head out of the frame all the time. Maybe he's got a real baby face and he doesn't look brutal at all.

GD: "Are you getting my sweet shirt with all the circular holes cut into it?" "Oh yeah, the shirt's in the frame." *snickers.*

het: I love the flame overlay at around 2:00, like "now we're playing faster, as if we were on fire. Let me demonstrate."

GD: Flaming skull, coming right at you: Setherial 3-D!

het: If it were spinning, it would be even better. 1997 Web design marks the peak of the black-metal aesthetic.

GD: "No videos found for 'Setherial string quartet.'" :(

het: The maggots crawled into the cello, and it was just clearly not meant to be.

GD: Fucking maggots, how do they work?