The Most Metal Things Ever!
If you are a false, don't entry, because you'll be burned and died.
Q & SA: Transatlantic
This prog 'supergroup' talks about gay porn, hair product, and an elephant trunk between the legs.
Lethal Doses
Mac Lethal came up as a battle rapper, so he gives no fuck about insulting fellow musicians.
Stuff You Will Hate III: Hell on Earth
Sgt. D and I celebrate Christmas early by sending each other crap.
Q & SA: Devin Townsend
Silence, inbreds! The erstwhile strapping young lad speaks to SA about abusive banter, nightmares, and feather pens.
The Top Ten Albums of 2009...
...in the soon-to-be-published opinions of other critics, most of whom are wrong.
The Boy Who Cried Wolfmother
Please, people, I know I told you other bands sucked, but believe me, this is way fucking worse.
Stuff You Will Hate II: Unholy Creations
I send Sgt. D videos specifically chosen to drive him insane, and he sends back -- well, it doesn't matter, I hate everything.
Porcupine Tree
Is Porcupine Tree too prog? No, not prog enough.
Tiesto Meets the Monster of Trance
Undercover correspondent Jesse 'kingcobweb' Mason reveals the truth about trance.
Recycling Bin: Reader Mail
As long as I can remember, people have hated me.
Stuff You Will Hate!
Guest collaborator Sergeant D thought he liked all music. I had a few bands for him to meet.
Your Band is Great!
This column takes a loving, supportive look at the music you're completely justified in enjoying!
Muse
Simultaneously bombastic and boring, 'The Resistance' crushes hope from both sides of the spectrum.
Suicide Silence
Death to deathcore!
Mute Math
The depressing story of 'Armistice,' the terrible easy-listening album that almost wasn't.
The Dead Weather
Jack White assembles the alt-rock version of Chickenfoot!
Owl City
Greetings, friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Send $ to Owl City (don't use Postal Service)! Obnoxious happiness is just an Amazon order away!
Warped Tour 2009
After 15 years, it's time for me to bid Warped Tour good riddance.
Dirty Projectors
Wait, is 'Bitte Orca' the worst album of 2009?
Mayhem Fest
An all-day metal event -- attended for research purposes, of course -- yields some hideous lowlights.
The Decemberists
Indie's most bookish band builds vocabularies, sings of deer-man-woman sex. Read all about it!
All Time Low
These guys could be soulless machines, or they might represent the nadir of modern music. Either way, nothing personal.
Dream Theater vs. The Mars Volta
Two prog bands battle to the death, but EVERYONE SURVIVED. RAHHRGH!
The Gossip
Model-fronted hype band The Gossip tries to make boring music fashionable.
311
How did forgotten 311 suddenly land its highest-charting album? Male magic!
Anti-Flag
Bullets can't slice ideas!
Grizzly Bear
Beet-eating nerds make boring folk for latent hippies disguised as hipsters.
Tori Amos
Swarm angrily, faeries! Someone's criticizing your queen!
Green Day: 21st Century Breakdown
We "break down" the new Green Day! Ha ha. But seriously, it's fucking horrible.
Mastodon
Mastodon is a disgrace to metal and beards.
Spotlight on Girl Power
Behold, the next wave of feminist musicians!
Ponytail
Are you tired of vocalists who use actual words and sing on key? Pitchfork has the band for you!
The Real Lady Gaga
A probing investigation reveals Lady Gaga's shocking secret!
Awful Band Links
A search of music-themed Awful Link submissions yields some horrendous politically motivated songwriters -- and TIMATAYO!
NOW!
Somehow, the hits compilation "NOW That's What I Call Music" still tops the charts after thirty installments. These customer testimonials explain the mysterious allure.
Busted Bracket
Women compete March Madness-style for the title Queen Skank, with four atrocious bands as the selection committee.
Charity Compactor
Buying benefit records can make you feel great, as long as you don't do something stupid like actually listening to them.
SXSW Anti-Guide
For a successful South by Southwest experience, see shows other than the ones listed in this anti-guide. People outside Austin, take note: These acts might be headed your way.
No Love for Asher Roth
Asher Roth's "I Love College": A song so stupidly obvious, it's amazing generations of idiot musicians didn't think of it first.
U2: The World's Biggest Band
Get on your boots, and let's wade through "No Line on the Horizon."
Money for Nothing
Remember First Floor from Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing" video? There's more to their story than you could have ever imagined. Stay for a spell as the band's singer Kiko goes through their photo album!
Bomb Bizkitville
Limp Bizkit returns vowing to clean up the "heavy popular music" scene, but they'll probably just make things worse.
Sui-Cyde Solution
Back in 2007, Brokencyde sang "Will kill myself, but something tells me you won't give a fuck." There's only one way to find out!
Good Riddance, 2008 -- Forever! (#4-1)
Fake rappers and Nickelback clones dominate the final four entries on 2008's worst musical happenings countdown.
Good Riddance, 2008: 10-5
The Worst of 2008 countdown nears its horrifying conclusion.
Good Riddance, 2008: Haiku Edition! 22-11
Countdown continues/rude haikus for last year's duds/Poetic justice.
Good Riddance, 2008: 29-23
The month-long wrap-up of 2008's worst music addresses some fresh voices in the field of horribleness, some familiar faces, and some faces that might be more familiar if they were caked in cheesy make-up or concealed in alien masks.
Good Riddance, 2008: 38-30
The countdown to 2008's worst act uncovers the fresh horrors lurking between #38 and #30.
Good Riddance, 2008: 46-39
The first installment of 2008's 46 Worst Musical Happenings ranges from 'Heroes' Hayden's slutty single to Natalie Portman's Shaved Head.
