Something Awful's Privacy Policy

Introduction
Something Awful LLC respects each individual's right to personal privacy. We will collect and use information through our Web site only in the ways disclosed in this statement. This statement applies solely to information collected at Something Awful LLC's Web site.

Part I. Information Collection
Something Awful LLC collects information through our Web site at several points. We collect the following information about primary visitors: how sexy you are, number of hats you own, your dog's first name.

We may also collect semen samples which our users divulge about other people. Something Awful LLC does not actively market to children, and we never knowingly ask a child under 13 to divulge personal information, unless they are trapped in a burning house and are like shrieking "oh my god help me" and we're all like "okay what room are you in?" If it's the bedroom, we'll just let them burn to death, because god only knows I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.

We collect the following general data that is not personally identifiable information: hell I don't know, cookies or some shit. We collect demographic data in order to serve you slightly less annoying ads, although that doesn't really seem to work. Blame the ad companies.

We verify the accuracy of this information by MAGICIANS.

We collect this information through, well, we honestly don't collect any of your information, except forum account crap for the credit card companies. I don't sit on top of a giant computer, watching the hard drive fill up while muttering, "ha ha, all this information is MINE FOR THE TAKING!!!" The information is collected dangerously, possibly erotically. To receive our products and services, your email and billing address is mandatory because the credit card companies are real jerks about this. Other information we request is optional.

We do employ cookies. A cookie is a small text file that our Web server places on a user's computer hard drive to be a unique identifier. Cookies enable Something Awful LLC to track usage patterns and deliver customized content to users. Our cookies do have an expiration date. Our cookies do collect personally identifiable information. It's a forum account, that's what it's supposed to do, unless you want to log in each and every time you want to click a page on the forums.

Banner advertising appearing on our Web site may collect the following information: who knows, ask them. Third parties collect the following information at our Web site: color of socks, number of race / hate crimes committed in the past five (5) days.

Part II. Information Usage.
The information collected by Something Awful LLC will be used for BLACKMAIL. Users who provide information will receive TREMENDOUS HEARTBREAK.

Registered users will not receive additional announcements from us about products, services, special deals, and a newsletter. Out of respect for the privacy of our users we present the option to not receive these types of communications.

The information we collect will not be used to create customer profiles based on browsing or purchasing history. We will not supplement information collected at our Web site with data from other sources. The Nintendo Wii.

We may share data with the following third parties: WHOEVER WE FEEL LIKE. IF A RANDOM BUM OFF THE STREET WANDERS IN HERE, WE'LL PROBABLY GIVE HIM YOUR IP ADDRESS IN EXCHANGE FOR A HAND JOB. These third parties will use the information as follows: EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

We offer links to other Web sites. Please note: When you click on links to other Web sites, we encourage you to read their privacy policies. Their standards may differ from ours. They're probably worse, and are run by a bunch of jerks. Not us though. We're nice.

Our Web site offers forums. Please be advised that information posted in these venues becomes public knowledge. So don't post about your penis unless you really, truly, absolutely want to.

If our policy on information collection or uses changes, will advise you by sending smoke signals through the Internet in some way.

Part III. Access to Information
Something Awful LLC maintains the accuracy of our information by filling out free privacy policy templates on the Internet, and changing some words to make it "funny." Users may access their own personal information and contact us about inaccuracies they may find. You can email me at webmaster@somethingawful.com if you're really hard up about it. Users may delete their information from our database by getting their dumb asses banned.

Part IV. Problem Resolution
If problems arise, users may contact Something Awful LLC by emailing webmaster@somethingawful.com. We are committed to resolving disputes within the next several decades, possibly longer.

Part V. Data Storage and Security
Something Awful LLC protects user information with the following security measures: we use several computers to accomplish a series of complex tasks. We employ a mummy in a tomb to scare away kids who get too close to the servers. Some say our database is haunted... will you be the first to find out?

Our serious privacy policy: we don't store or even have access to any of your credit card data except the last four digits and billing address. This information is used solely to protect us from credit card fraud. We won't sell any of your personal information to third parties. Something Awful LLC reserves the right to disseminate usernames, IP addresses, or email addresses to third parties in certain situations (ie, situations involving credit card fraud, harassment, stalking, illegal activities).

Users can either disable cookies via their browser or opt out through a mechanism such as this or this.

No refunds, returns, or cancellations are permitted, unless it is a problem with physical (damaged) merchandise. All electronic, non-physical purchases (such as forum accounts) are considered "as is" and may not be refunded, returned, or cancelled. Something Awful LLC reserves the right to ban any and all forum accounts when our moderation staff has determined the user(s) of these accounts have broken the forum rules. Any further questions, inquiries, or issues may be sent to:

Something Awful LLC
PO Box 997
Lee's Summit, MO 64063

Questions, comments, or inquiries may be sent to webmaster@somethingawful.com.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)