Upcoming Games in 2000

• Extreme Fighting Pinball Rodeo - Headgames pumps out another $5.99 value bin winner, combining the nonstop action of pinball with the puzzle-based adventure of a rodeo. This strategy RPG will challenge even the most intelligent of car accident victims.
• Pokemon: Let's Build a Fire! - Pikachu, Squirtle, and that one Pokemon that shoots feces at its enemies instruct children to start fires in their livingrooms.
• American McGee's Great Box Adventure - Guide your character through a series of square maps.
• Career Hunt! - Help cast members from classic hit sitcom "Full House" in their desperate pursuit to find a job outside of the gay porn industry.
• Ultimate Underwater Destruction Derby- The team behind "Redline" presents one of the most unique action-driving games in history. Construct your vehicle, buy weapons, then drive it into a lake and watch your driver drown.
• Barbie Fashion Designer 2000- Offering a revamped and larger set of outfits, Barbie Fashion Designer 2000 will let your children see what Barbie would look like in combat fatigues, Klan uniforms, and various outfits stolen from the most high class garage sales. Includes a tiny water cooler for Barbie to stand by while Ken stares at her ass and makes lewd comments.
• Ultra Mega Space Invaders 2000 3D 2- It's Space Invaders, only the ships are bigger and purple. Includes a "bonus round" where the ships turn green for a brief period of time.
• Diablo II Dance Marathon- Win points and gain levels by dancing for monsters.
• Register Rampage!- Recreate all the fun of registering for college courses on your computer! Includes a special "waiting in line while sick people cough up phlegm behind you" mode.
• Daikatana- Find an ancient and mystical sword by controlling a pimp, convenience store owner, and engineer through the past, present, and future of outdated game engines.
• Mavis Beacon Teaches Fucking- Learn how to fuck from the pro.
• The Blair Witch Project Game- Become remarkably stupid and forget how to read a map. Get lost in the woods and die.
• Blimp!- Pilot a blimp over 14 acres of farmland. Offend farmers by dropping pamphlets promoting a Marxist revolution.
• Reader Rabbit Pro- Children are taught how to read through humiliation and degradation. Reader Rabbit curses frequently and chain smokes harder than Rod Sterling.
• Animal Shooter 7 - Don hunting gear and mow down deer, chickens, turkeys, snails, and trees. Comes with special multiplayer support which allows one player to drink while the other scratches their groin.
• ER Team Fortress- Choose from over 10 different classes in this medical room simulation.
• Cosmopolitan's "Get Less Fat and Ugly"- Beauty tips from a magazine that's 99% advertisements. Includes an interactive "virtual scale" that weighs anything stuck into the USB port. And I mean anything.
• Ultima Online 3: Age of the 12-Year Olds- Advanced measures against player killing and bug exploitation ensures people will find new and exciting ways to make the game miserable for everybody else.
• Metric System Arena- First person shooter that challenges players to convert measurements to the Metric System.
• Tomb Raider 8: "Escape From Canada"- Lara Croft dodges snow and real estate salesmen in her desperate attempt to cross the Canadian border and steal expensive artifacts from famous museums.
• Battlecruiser 17,382 AD- Title refers to number of patches released before game becomes playable.
• The Jerry Springer Challenge- Compete with virtual guests of the "Jerry Springer" in a contest to become the fattest piece of hairy white trash in the world. Only one will survive!
• Run Out of Food and Die- Pilot a spaceship into uncharted territory. Run out of food and die.
• Another Crappy Missionpak For SiN- This enhancement pack for the unpopular Sin adds 17 new textures drawn by grade school students and another warehouse map.
• Police SWAT Command Tactics 4- Help a SWAT team negotiate with a man who's chained himself to the space heater in his girlfriend's house.
• Robot Battle War Destruction- Shoot missiles at large metal robots by using a proprietary "91 separate keyboard commands" system.
• Microsoft Presents: Microsoft's Microsoft Football 2001- Now with 18 polygons per character!
• Future Hussy- Experience prostitution in the year 2137.
• Paul Steed's Virtual PR Firm- Learn how to promote your product / business by showing up drunk on Australian chat servers. Challenge other gaming executive to knife fights.
• Mall Wars- Real time strategy warfare based in a shopping mall.
• Star Wars: Episode One Something- It doesn't really matter, it's Star Wars, people will buy it.
• Star Trek: Something- It doesn't really matter, it's Star Trek, people will buy it.
• Soldier of Misfortune- Go into battle equipped with defective grenades, jammed guns, and a compass which always points east.
• It Happened on the Way to the Deli- Another French game nobody will bother to play.
• McGruff's "Drug Adventure"- McGruff tries to steer children away from the use of illegal narcotics so they won't grow up to be famous athletes or rich television stars.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka