Scientology Fan Fiction

CHAPTER 3: HORROR ON ZOMBIE MOUNTAIN

Chase flew his Elron HoverCar through the sky, approaching Zombie Mountain. "You are now approaching Zombie Mountain," proclaimed the onboard HoverCar computer.

"Thank you, computer car!" replied Chase, but the car didn't say anything back because this car doesn't talk back. Zombie Mountain soon came into view, and Chase immediately felt a chill run down his spine. He immediately took care of that by spraying Thetan-B-Gone behind him (a $99.95 value, yours for $59.95 and comes with a Thetan-B-Gone washrag and stick-on tattoo of L. Ron Hubbard's face!). The onboard computer detected a large amount of Thetan activity, but it didn't tell Chase about it because it couldn't talk. Instead, Chase looked at the computer screen and read the information.

"Hmmm, looks like a large amount of Thetan activity," Chase stated. "I'd better park the HoverCar at the base of the mountain and walk up myself. It's too risky to risk flying in." Chase knew that the HoverCar's engine and exhaust system could be flooded by Thetans, causing it to overheat and possibly stop functioning as usual. Thetans can get inside everything and make it mess up. So if you ever have a household appliance or something that stops working, it's because of the Thetans and the only way you can stop them is by purchasing a lifetime membership to Scientology, available through our many Scientology "research" centers. Chase parked the car and started walking on foot to the top of Zombie Mountain.

After 20 minutes of walking, his trusty modified e-meter was still picking up no signs of nearby Thetans. It was quiet... TOO quiet. Suddenly a gang of street tough Thetans jumped from a nearby bush, swinging Psy-Chains and deadly MindGuns! Chase sidestepped the first attack, crushing his attacker with a two-fisted attack to the face. The Thetan vaporized into a mist of smoke and wasted lies, vanishing back into the dimension of the damned. Chase quickly pounded the remaining Thetan gang members and made his way into the dreaded mountain / volcano / jail thing.

It was very hot inside the volcano, probably from all the lava. Chase used his modified e-meter to bypass all the Thetan security systems, which are oddly enough found in many Christian and non-Scientolologiamistology churches. I doubt that's hardly a coincidence, don't you? Chase beat up some Thetan guards and eventually found himself inside the heart of the active volcano, face to face with the evil Xenu.

"HAW HAW HAW! Well if it isn't Chase Hardrock, Scientamallogolist errand boy for grocery clerks! What are you doing here? Have you come to put a stop to my reign of terror?" asked Xenu, who I forgot to mention was 200 feet tall and made out of lava and something that fizzes a lot and he has lasers for eyes and exhales pure poison gas and is so evil that if you were to even think about how evil he was, your brain would kill itself.

"I'm here to put a stop to your reign of terror!" shouted Chase Hardrock while pulling something from his backpack.

"HAW HAW HAW! And how do you plan to do that, puny Teegeeackian?" Xenu bellowed.

"With THIS!" responded Chase as he revealed his secret weapon, the ultra top secret Scientolololgistamy-

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Xenu collapsed to the ground, defeated and weak. "I... I can't believe you defeated me with your (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER). I didn't think you had graduated to level (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER) and was allowed to use the life-changing (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER). Your (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER) is very (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER), (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER)." Chase (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER)(TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER) his (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER) and (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER) to the (TEXT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER).