The Official SA E3 Report

Blizzard Entertainment:

Huge displays showing off "Warcraft 3" ensured that every single person who likes talking trash over Battle.net was crowded into their booth, trying to figure out which race produced the fastest units for a rush attack. "Warcraft 3" did look incredibly impressive, although the swamp reminded us of the first map from the "Daikatana" demo. There was even the spermy-looking green blob that floated around for no readily apparent reason. Speaking of Daikatana, that gave us reason to head over to the booth containing...

Daikatana for Gameboy:

We couldn't get a screenshot of DK on the Gameboy, so here's our representation.

A cross between "Final Fantasy" and "The Legend of Zelda", only more poorly written. Choice quotes such as "YOU GOT A ARMOR" and "LET ME TELL YOU AN VERY IMPORTANT STORY" left us wondering what native language the Pod People (who took over John Romero's mind) spoke. Before anybody asks, yes, they did have a swamp in the game too. With frogs. And mosquitoes. Perhaps the games should be called "John Romero's Daikatana: Attack of the Evil Swamp," since it's essentially the swamp which is being ported to every available platform. This game is being produced by Gameco (or something like that), who should be legally prohibited from ever making another game again. Dave played "Daikatana" on Gameboy for a few minutes, and I provided a play-by-play commentary for your entertainment (since we obviously weren't deriving any from it):

ME: "There's a swamp and there's some sort of bug now, and Dave's hitting it with... what is that?"

DAVE: "A stick."

ME: "He's hitting the bugs with a stick. Now he's jumping around like some kind of idiot, and there's more bugs. No wait, they're frogs."

DAVE: "No, I think they're flying."

ME: "No, they're jumping. They're frogs." (becoming excited) "He just killed all the frogs in the swamp, and now he's in a blue house! Oh, now he's been shot."

DAVE: (cursing)

ME: "Oh man, now you're in..."

DAVE: "A subway, I think."

ME: "Yeah, a subway. This is pretty intense, you know, because of the water and all."

Working at E3 can really work up a sweat. Better make sure you've got some good deoderant.	The Hair Giant is blinded by my 60,000 watt flash.