Leonard's Law

From: MARVIN JEFFERSON
Subject: SURGICAL MISHAP

DEAR LEONARD.

RECENTLY I WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR SURGERY. I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY KIDNEY TAKEN OUT AND REPLACED BY TWO NEW KIDNEYS - ONE FOR NORMAL USE AND THE OTHER FOR "TURBO" MODE. WHEN I CAME OUT OF SURGERY, I NOTICED THAT THEY BOTCHED UP THE SURGERY BECAUSE I AM NOW A 6 FOOT TALL WHITE MAN NAMED "MARVIN JEFFERSON". I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER BEING A BLACK WOMAN BEFORE THE OPERATION. THEY EVEN CHANGED ALL MY PERSONAL PHOTOS AND BRAINWASHED MY FAMILY MEMBERS INTO GOING ALONG WITH THEIR SCREW UP.

SO I WAS WONDERING WHAT KIND OF MINERALS ARE FOUND IN THE ATACAMA DESERT? ALSO I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD SUE THE DOCTORS. AND THAT DESERT THING TOO, BUT MOSTLY THE SUEING ISSUE.

THANKS HONEY

Dear Leonard-

Oops, I guess I did it again! I'll try to correct addressing myself in future issues. Anyway Marvin, you have a very complex legal issue that we lawyers like to call, "pro bonito sans serif MS arial 12 font". This basically means that due to no fault of your own you have suffered a medical mishap with unwanted results. The toughest part of a case like this revolves around proving that you were once in the shape or condition you described. Your best action would be to look through your personal video tape collection and listen for people saying things that would support your claim. Pay particular attention to phrases such as, "my, you sure are beautiful! And a black woman too!" or "it would sure suck if you suddenly became a six-foot tall white man, because we love you for the black woman you currently are!". If you can find evidence like I described, you're in good shape.

I had a case like this back in 1973, right about the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis. I remember the case well, mainly because it's hard to forget with all those Cubans and missiles involved. Anyway, my client, Bud Kellog, was being sued by the Sony Corporation for rubbing all their AM radios on their assembly line against his private parts. I won the jury over with my award-winning smile and extensive knowledge of the law. Oh yeah, and the jury was composed 75% of members from my family, and they were all afraid to choose in favor of Sony because they were still afraid of me since the picnic a couple months before when I attempted to publicly demonstrate my telekinetic skills by pushing a dog off the roof.

Now that I think about it, that case isn't anything like the one you mentioned. However, it did end up with me being voted as "Lawyer of the Year" by all the guys at the YMCA. Some people claimed that the only reason I got that title was because the other lawyer quit the club weeks before, but I know that's just not true. The other guy never quit the YMCA, the Police found his corpse locked in the back of his car trunk before he had a chance to. Oh yeah, and large amounts of sodium nitrate are found in the Atacama Desert. Sodium nitrate is used to make gunpowder, salt, plywood, and pelicans.

From: Eric Willingham
Subject: mental anguish!!!!

I wanted a PLAYSTATION for last chirstmas but all i got was a PIKACHU ALARM CLOCK!!!! WTF?!? can I sue my parrents? ITS BULLSHIT!

PS: YOUR COLUM RULES!!! LEONARD

PPS: DONT SHOW THIS LETTER TOO MY PARRENTS PLEASE!

1) Play a lot of realistic violent video games like Doom, Quake 1 and Quake 2 (but not Quake 3 because no jury in their right mind would say that game displays anything remotely realistic), Jazz Jackrabbit, Era Online, Tetris, and Virtua Tennis. This will sharpen your aiming skills and help you lose all bearing of reality.

2) Listen to bands like KMFDM, Rammstein, or anything else that has male German band members which look like extremely feminine women. The more crappy the music is, the better.

3) Start wearing a lot of black. Wearing stuff like black trenchcoats makes you look "cool" even if you're so fat that it appears as if somebody simply threw a black pool cover on top of a Volkswagen Beetle.

– Leonard "J." Crabs