The Native Americans were so concerned with never harming any creatures of Mother Earth that they lived on a diet consisting solely of rocks, dirt, and air. They were able to transcend the bloodlust that infected the pioneers.
Unfortunately, being so kind and loving came with a price. The settlers, sensing a weakness in the Native Americans, let their primal hatred take over.
The pioneers would shoot their cannons into the Native Americans' faces and then steal their land so they could simply light it on fire and move away. Settlers believed that any land touched by Native Americans should be burned to the ground.
Cut to today: nuclear power plants and industrial chemical factories are spewing poisonous death into the air every second, killing millions of babies and seals. Their stranglehold on the economy ensures no governments will interfere with their reign of terror. This is where you and I come in!
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.
Previous Articles
- Tiki the Insane Eco-Bastard Penguin of Doom
- Leonard's Law
- Jeff K.'s User Friendly Cartoon About Lunix
- Come Visit FAKE Las Vegas!
- Why I Should Be President of the PTA and Not Betty Grable
