In SA's last interview with the Gabe Newell Simulation Device, we were treated to a basic overview highlighting the brand new, highly touted technology of PowerPlay, the joint venture of Cisco, Valve Software, and a handful of other software companies. While the interview did a very good job of informing the public as to what PowerPlay is, it did not really go into much depth regarding the technology behind it.
We recently called Gabe Newell, inquiring about the technology / hardware concerns behind the promises that PowerPlay will "make modem gaming feel like gaming on a LAN." Unfortunately, a representative from Valve Software informed us that "Gabe's out. He went to get lunch." When we asked what time he'd be in, the receptionist starting speaking in Japanese and then some fire alarms went off and the phone was disconnected. So, once again, SA has utilized the State Og Gabe Newell Simulation Device to grab another great interview. We promise that this article will clear any doubts / suspicions you may have regarding the technology behind PowerPlay once and for all.
SA: Thank you for agreeing to interview with us again, Gabe. I'd like to get right to the questions; won't the costs of having to upgrade equipment and software at every turn on the Internet to conform to PowerPlay standards outweigh the benefits? Would lag-free gaming be worth the $80+ a month ISPs would invariably have to charge to make up for their lost costs in gear upgrade?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: That's a very astute question indeed. I have made a cost upgrade chart which you can view by clicking here. This chart will answer any questions you might have regarding the potential economic ramifications our system could cause.
SA: Oh... yes... that was helpful... thank you Gabe... Umm, anyway, how much equipment would have to be changed in the typical ISP to take advantage of PP? What would motivate ISPs to actually do this? Will all upcoming games have to comply to PP outgoing data packet standards for multiplay?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: Once again, great question. While vacationing at Cisco, the engineers and I diagrammed the hardware upgrade hierarchy needed to support PowerPlay. This diagram details in what exact ways the existing backbone of the Internet will have to be modified. Please take a look at it.
SA: Yes Gabe... PowerPlay is the best, PowerPlay is my lord, Gabe... I will fight and die for PowerPlay. Gabe Newell, please Gabe Newell, tell me how will this system work, praise be to PowerPlay...?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: Please examine the networking structure diagram I have prepared. This explains, in rich detail, how it will all come together.
SA: Must kill for PowerPlay. PowerPlay will help me regain hair, make my penis longer, and whiten my teeth. PowerPlay loves me like nobody else does. PowerPlay knows all my secrets and loves me for who I am. Must kill for PowerPlay!
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: And look for Valve's new team-based "Blair Witch Project" game! Players must choose from classes of map readers, idiot girls, and camera jerks to defeat an army of enemy witches! Features mesh modeling, exclusive level-of-detail effects, and a map with the actual run down, shitty house at the end!
–
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.
Previous Articles
- Gabe Newell PowerPlay Interview
- Special: Women In Gaming
- Review: Incite Gaming Magazine
- Script: Baywatch: Terror on Sandy Beach!
