The Revenge of Tattoo SWAT

Dave: I thought we were doing a thing about bad tattoos, not the greatest tattoo.

Zack: Facts about the dude with this tattoo: never wears a shirt, walks backwards everywhere, sees shit through the bear face's eyes.

Dave: Is never fucked with; basically never stops yelling.

Zack: Not all that muscular, but draws immeasurable physical and sexual strength from the tattoo.

Dave: This isn't even a tattoo, a shaman just rubbed a hot rock all over his back and this is what happened.

Zack: It was like metaphysical paint-by-numbers. Smoked some peyote, saw infinity, bear on back.

Dave: Now carries spirit of Yellbear within him; uses it to get out of parking tickets.

Dave: Sir, this is a tow-away zo-- RRUUUHHHHHH!

Zack: The traffic cop just shrinks smaller and smaller until he turns into a tiny tattoo that finally disappears into the bear's flared nostril.

Dave: Yellbear also uses this power to suck in beers.

Zack: No matter how many beers it drinks, Yellbear's owner doesn't get fatter, Yellbear just gets more powerful.

Dave: Walks into Safeway... RRRRUUHHHHHH... frozen food section is now completely out of Totino's Pizza Rolls.

Zack: Drives past Taco Bell....RRRRRRRRRUHHHHHHHH...passenger seat piled with sacks full of chili cheese burritos.

Zack: Pulls up at a light next to some pretty girls...RRRRRRRUHHHHHHHHH...girls flushed, satisfied.

Dave: Uh oh, it's 5:30, Yellbear missed Cops! RRRRUUUUUUUHHH! Another episode!

Zack: That's not really a power. I think Raiders fan or die 4 u could conjure up more cops episodes.

Dave: In certain situations, whether or not it's a power isn't relevant.

Zack: Man, this sucks. Now I really badly want some pizza rolls and a cops marathon.

Dave: You have to earn that shit with a spirit quest, or else earn it by getting really drunk and calculating that it's cheaper to pass out in the 24-hour tattoo parlor than in the hotel.

Zack: I would pass out at a Raiders game wearing a Chiefs jersey if it meant I would wake up from my coma in six weeks with a yellbear to call my own.

Dave: RRRRUUUHHHHH! Bob Barker tattoo turns into big titty angel.

Zack: RRRRRRUUUUUHHHHH! Departed wife skeletonizes.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)