Marjo (25)
"My boyfriend chose my clothes for tonight. He is my stylist, style role model and darling.
Accessories are great. I love earrings!"
Dr. Thorpe: It looks like her slacks are actually just a facade of slacks. They're hollow and have no inside. You can see her turquoise boxers through them.
Zack: I think I saw this girl at Aldi buying bulk bags of Raisin Bran that misspelled raisin to avoid lawsuits. Raezin Brun I think it was.
Dr. Thorpe: If you're going to have more buttons than are structurally necessary, please don't waste those buttons by only doing up a few of them. It just looks gratuitous.
Zack: At least she can play ping-pong if she happens across a table.
Zack: Notice in the text she is very explicit about blaming her boyfriend. She makes it sound nice, but she's really saying "this is totally not my fault."
Dr. Thorpe: I think this technically counts as an abusive relationship.
Zack: I wonder if there is some sort of service for women in Finland if their boyfriends dress them up as welfare moms with filthy pants from 1980 who might be seen stocking up on Deretos and Meelk. Women that look like this are all over Ohio. All she needs to complete the look is a stroller with a hugely fat five year old too lazy to walk.
Dr. Thorpe: My boyfriend chose this hairstyle for me. He likes bangs because they look excellent when he hoses them the fuck down with his sparkling golden champagne piss. All girls love being peed on, no matter what jealous people like Zaak say.
Zack: Daavid say always carry quarter so we can get a shopping cart and always carry paddle so I can grift a Korean. Then he pee in my eye and the shame is too much to stand. Too much.
Dr. Thorpe: My boyfriend Daav chose these pants because he loves to piss down the hollow pocket holes and fill up my tucked-in pantlegs with his magical moist delight.
Dr. Thorpe: I love earrings!
Zack: Father say most shameful thing is to pee yourself. No, it is for other person to pee you for you.
Dr. Thorpe: All this piss stuff is just us stalling so we can figure out what the fuck she's holding. Purse + composition book?
Zack: Well, I hope you and Maarjo and the piss lords of Gallifrey have a good time together.
Dr. Thorpe: Ha, fuck no, she's about ten years too old for me and there's only one of her. And she looks nothing like me so, like, why even bother?
Zack: But when you average her with her obese five year old? Pop out some mangas and let the good times roll my friend. You'll be pissing on them and they'll be pissing on the idea of a Federal reserve issuing illegal fiat currency in no time.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
