Mari (16) and Saara (15)
Mari: "I'm wearing a self made Harry Potter scarf and boots which I like to wear when larping. Porn model Dita von Teese is the most stylish person in the world."
Saara: "I'm wearing a skirt with two underskirts, a second hand pullover and a self made bag. Drag Queen 06 Miss Cristal Snow is the most stylish person I know. I would like to buy a cigarette holder."
Zack: Lesbian Dr. Who introduces her new sidekick to a unisex bathroom that is bigger on the inside than the outside.
Dr. Thorpe: I feel conflicted about this picture because on one hand it's pretty ridiculous but on the other hand I think I have a really good shot at having sex with both of these girls at the same time.
Zack: On the third and glowing hand that cannot be ignored you must remember that you cannot smell this picture.
Dr. Thorpe: Even though they're underage and they live across the world, something in my reptile brain doesn't want me to jeopardize that by being too rough on them.
Zack: "Boots which I like to wear when larping," says Mari.
Dr. Thorpe: There aren't a lot of worse phrases than that.
Zack: It always bums me out when I find out some horrible American subculture exists in foreign countries. It's like when I learned the Japanese all go to Kentucky Fried Chicken for the American Thanksgiving. Just like us.
Dr. Thorpe: "Boots which I like to wear when open-mouth kissing my dog." Nah, not as bad.
Zack: "Boots which I like to wear when I'm draining my carbuncles."
Dr. Thorpe: Nah, there's maybe a medical reason for that. Keep trying, let's see if we can do this.
Dr. Thorpe: "Boots which I like to wear when reading manga at a Ron Paul rally."
Zack: "Boots which I like to wear when I'm on a date with John Mayer."
Zack: No, that still doesn't win, because at least libertarians probably have weed and an Internet law degree.
Dr. Thorpe: How about, "Boots which I like to wear when me and my friend are both having sex with David Thorpe at once."
Zack: Do they know about the peeing? I think I should let them know somehow.
Dr. Thorpe: Be my guest, I bet they'd love it.
Zack: "Boots which I like to wear when I'm getting wetted the fuck down by David Thorpe."
Dr. Thorpe: Oh shit, I figured it out. I think I know why I think they'd have sex with me. It's because the one on the right looks like me. Like, if I blowdry my hair for too long.
Zack: I really dig the Scandinavian extra vowel in her name. You should give that a try. Daavid.
Dr. Thorpe: I think you should do it, but drop the C. Zaak.
Zack: Daavid Thorpe gonna pee all over himself as a girl and her Time Lord friend. Zaak gonna watch.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
