Zack: I think what we have to determine here is whether or not Maippi improved between 2005 and 2006.
Dr. Thorpe: Whew, tough call. I think my first impression is that she looks distinctly less retarded in the second picture; in the first one, she looks like she's recently been kicked in the head by a horse, but she looks a lot more collected in '06, like maybe she had an operation to drain the blood that welled up in her cortex retardum. Unfortunately, the fashion center of her brain was removed in the process.
Zack: I'll play the devil's advocate. In the first picture she looks like maybe a slightly mentally disabled woman who is about to attempt some open mic comedy and get booed off stage and cry. On the right she looks like a cross between Drew Carey and that kid from Jerry Maguire dressed himself in the dumpster behind a Wal*Mart.
Dr. Thorpe: When you put it that way, I guess I'd have to agree. Plus, her smiling face in the first picture looks much more appealing from a pissing perspective.
Dr. Thorpe: Check out the guy in the background in the second shot. "Psst! Hey buddy! For $50, I'll sell you a pill that makes you not see that chick."
Dr. Thorpe: "How much for the one that makes me have never seen her?"
Zack: "Sorry, bro. The only release from that one is the cold embrace of death."
Dr. Thorpe: "I'll take it."
Zack: You know, I actually kind of liked her when I first looked at the two pictures, but the more I'm staring at them the more I realize she seems like some shitty character Saturday Night Live would try to push so that they could spin her off into a movie. I can almost hear the inane theme song about "Maippi,
Maiiiiippi / She makes her own clothes and she lives with her mom / Doesn't bathe often and she's a comedian..."
Dr. Thorpe: I see where you're coming from, but there's definitely an element of reality to this chick. She's one of those types who thinks, "if I can't be attractive, be fun and quirky!"
Dr. Thorpe: No, Maippi, if you're not attractive just avoid cameras and try to blend into the background or I'll call up a buddy of mine and he'll turn you into my new fucking marble countertop.
Zack: Hey, now let's not get mean. You and I both know we wouldn't throw her out of our larp. You never know, maybe Drew Carey will show up and want to pee on her.
Dr. Thorpe: I've kind of given up on larping. I just feel like I can't find the perfect pair of boots for it.
–
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
